This one took a bit of typing, but I thought it better to put my MLwM demo (http://www.arkkikivi.net/muut/Essen%20MLwM%20Demo.pdf) up here for checkup. I created this one in the spring of 2005, I think, and have been using it since in Finnish conventions. It's a bit different from how Paul approaches the topic, I understand, but as you probably already discern, I like having a layer of color in my demos. First get them to buy into the color, and that rapport carries over to the mechanics as well.
The demo works on the principle of information overload; players can entertain themselves by reading the elaborate character sheets even after the demo is done. The sheets are really only used as fetishes and to point out things as necessary in the course of the demo, the player's not supposed to spend time reading it. The last two pages of material are a two-sided GM reference that can be used to point out formulae and such.
The main thing I'm interested in, in terms of feedback, is a superficial language check-up. The Finnish language version is a bit elaborate, and I might have well used non-English phrasing in an annoying manner here. No nitpicking necessary, though. (Also: if somebody knows what term gypsies use for non-gypsies in 19th century English, I'd find the knowledge useful in running this. In Finnish it's "Whiteys", more or less, but I don't think that's the same in English.)
To my understanding, the term was (or for all I know still is) "gajo." I don't know what its literal translation is.
Best, Ron
Three minor observations (hopefully not classed as nit picks). Otherwise the English is excellent.
All Fear descriptions: The village of Arefu cowers before this fearful force of darkness.
Elena: Satanic darkness within brooks no ennui while perfectly good English might not be the easiest phrase to understand. It could be dropped. I think that the rest of the paragraph gives more than enough description.
Demo instructions: Elena - to reap Teodor Datku the priest from his bed., drag would be a more appropriate word than reap.