kill puppies for elvis

[Eric Minton]

so, there's these two guys.  they kill puppies for satan.

scrobulor works at the dairy queen up on oak and lexington.  he digs heavy metal.  he lives in his moms basement.  one time he fed uranium pellets to a whole bunch of parakeets.  or maybe chickens.  that's pretty fucked up if you ask me.  where'd he get the uranium?  i got no fucking clue.  deal with it.

lyle lipzig once walked all the way up to canada to club a baby seal.  or at least that's what he says.  he probably just walked to the zoo, but that's still fifty fucking miles.  anyway he clubbed the shit out of that seal when he got there.  he's fucking relentless.  he really digs country music cause it's full of fucked up shit happening to people.  right now he works at graceland selling memorabilia.

so anyway, one night scrobulor's working at the dairy queen and lyle's hanging out and shit.  their ears perk up as they hear the yapping of one of those goddamn yappy little dogs coming round.  turns out that it's dolly parton and her poodle (she named the damn thing "cash," after good ole johnny cash i have no doubt ) dropping by for a triple chocolate shake.

lyle is all "oh wow it's dolly parton, hey miss parton can i have your autograph" and scrobulor is all like "hey can i hold your dog what a cute little puppy he is" and she hands cash the poodle over.  scrobulor and lyle run into the kitchen where they put the dog into a fryer basket and put another basket on top so he can't get out.  then they fry him up.

dolly hears the squeakin and the bubblin and she's screamin "where's my cash?  oh god what happened to my cash?  please, give me back my cash!"  that's when officer jimbo rolls in, and of course he thinks that them darn punks at the dairy queen have been short-changin dolly parton.  there's few worse crimes in memphis.  so he goes round back to teach them kids a lesson.

scrobulor and lyle hear all this, and they're all "fuck gotta hide the evidence", so they go back to the dumpster to scrape all the deep fried doggy bits out of the fryer baskets.  then officer jimbo comes round and starts giving them a hard time.  so scrobulor gives him a bad case of the raging boils.  jimbo screams like a stuck pig and staggers off.  pus spews all over when he runs into a wall.  he calls for backup, and of course dolly parton is still screaming and tottering around on her extra high heels while she looks for her poor lil doggy.  so scrob and lyle decide to vamoose.

the night is still young, so they drive around for some more puppies to kill for satan.  they wind up at the junkyard.  there's a big ole junkyard dawg there.  there's also ole jed, who got a cast eye and three teeth.  scrobulor tries to sell him some shit out of the trunk of his car.  lyle tries to be a big salesman and shit, but he sucks at it and keeps driving the price down.  this gets boring, so he tries to whack jed upside the head with a hammer.  jed headbutts him.  lyle falls down.  not so relentless really.  sucker.

while scrobulor wanders off in a pothead daze, jed decides that lyle has a purty mouth.  he and his fat, greasy brother bo grab lyle and haul him into the secret room under their shack for an appointment with the gimp.  "uh oh," sez scrobulor, "i oughta do something about that.  i am stealthy like the ninja.  ooh, a chainsaw.  hey, wonder what this'll do to that junkyard dawg?"  and he's off.  poor lyle's all alone with jed and bo and the gimp.  don't feel too sorry for him though, after all, he does kill puppies for satan.

so anyway, scrob revs up the chainsaw and chops up that poor ole junkyard dawg.  then he goes after the junkyard cat, but cats are smarter than dawgs.  then he hears all kinds of screamin from the shack, so he finally heads on over.  turns out though, the screaming ain't all from lyle.  that boy finally decided to use some evil.  he told bo where to stick that red hot poker he was using.  so jed and bo are runnin around in circles down in the basement, with bo jamming a red hot poker up jed's ass.  i am so not making this shit up.

so scrobulor helps lyle up out of the basement, and they slam the trap door shut and drag the fridge on top of it.  then they pour out a saucer of some real old milk, so old it's green and lumpy, for the junkyard cat.  they put it out for the cat and say "here kitty kitty kitty."  some more cats show up, and then some more, and they're all caterwauling.  eventually there's fifty cats, then a hundred, then three hundred or more, and they're all coming forward.  scrob's thinking this might be bad news, so he gets in the car, but lyle's all "hey cool, more kitties to kill!  here kitty kitty!"

so lyle grabs a kitty and chokes it to death.  cool, that's kinda evil.  then the other kitties get their claws out and drag him down.  whoops.  good thing scrobulor's in the car, he drives through the kitties and runs over a bunch.  lucky he doesn't run over lyle.  scrob drags lyle into the car.  lyle gets in front and scrobulor gets in back, and lyle has a great time trying to run over kitties.

then scrob hears a "meow" in his ear.  whoops, there's a kitty in the car!  he tries to kill it.  it claws him in the nads.  ow.  he tosses it into the front seat.  not so good for the driving.  lyle drives the car right through the shack.  crash!

the cat winds up in the back seat again, in scrobulor's lap.  lyle pulls out the cigarette lighter and whacks at the cat.  he hits scrobulor in the nads.  ow!  fortunately this cauterizes the claw wound, but still, ow.

by the time they kill the cat, they notice that the trap door is open again, since when they crashed through the shack they knocked the fridge away.  jed's there with a shotgun.  guns kill people, dude!  but scrobulor acts quick; he rolls down the window and cranks up the radio, and two hundred decibels of slayer, all charged with evil, makes jed's ears explode.  there's blood everywhere!  the trap door slams shut, and they drive off.

so at this point they decide to hit scrobulor's pad.  scrob checks his answering machine.  first message is from his girlfriend jolene.  "hey billy!"  he hates it when people call him that, after all, he's scrobulor, cuz everyone knows you should have a cool evil name when you kill puppies for satan.  "this is your girlfriend jolene.  you know, the one you were supposed to meet at eight?  i-"  but scrobulor erases the message right then and there, cause he don't want any more about that shit right now.

second message is some old guy he never heard before.  "hello mr jackson.  this is dr roberts at the university of southern alabama.  i am calling to inform you that you have received a full scholarship to our biomedical research department-"  but scrobulor erases that message too, cuz college is for pussies.

good thing that lyle is thinking all cold and shit, cuz he says "dude, isn't biomedical all about, like, when they do all those experiments on all sorts of little animals?"  and scrobulor is like "whoa dude, you're right.  fuck!  hey, maybe they sent a letter.  hey ma!  maaaaaaaa!  where's the fucking mail!"

so momma jackson and scrobulor yell at each other for a while.  then he checks his mail.  it's mostly bills from the pet store.  but there's a letter from the university of southern alabama.  turns out that it's addressed to mr william j jackson when scrobulor's actually william r jackson, but who cares, it's a full scholarship to a place where they pay you to kill puppies.  fuckin a!

then there's a phone call.  it's jolene.  she's all at the police station, cuz she was at the dairy queen to meet scrob when the cops came about officer jimbo's mysterious boils and dolly parton's missing dog.  and hey, are those sirens outside?  

knock knock, it's officer frogart.  lookee here, it's mister pothead dairy queen jackson and his buddy lyle love-ass.  well, you're wanted at the police station, so you better get a move on.

they head down to the police station.  jolene’s there.  she plants a big ole hare lipped kiss all over scrobulor.  there’s cops everywhere, scary!  and hey, listen to those police dogs barking away.  so anyway, scrobulor does all the talking, because lyle’s real good at pissing folks off.  good thing that not too many people hate scrobulor, cause he’s able to fast talk the cops.  he tells them that dolly parton’s dog jumped out the door and musta got lost somewhere, poor little fella, no clue where he went but sure as shit he’ll turn up sooner or later.  but what about officer jimbo?  well, scrobulor’s got this nasty skin condition and it’s contagious, people who touch him sometimes break out, sucks for officer jimbo but i guess he’s one of the allergic ones.  sucks to be him.

the police captain buys it.  he lets em go with a stern warning.  officer frogart marches em out of the station.  then they all pile into the car, scrobulor and lyle and jolene, and they drive off.  it's a long way to alabama, but i hear there's gators in them there swamps.

never did see elvis though.

[Andrew Norris]

now that's a good story. i didn't see the animal research thing coming.

i guess it's theoretically possible to talk about kpfs using capitals, but it would just feel ... wrong.

[BPetroff93]

I.....must...buy...this...game.

[james_west]

Weirdly enough, this is a game that heavily supports precisely this style of play. Nice play example - thanks !

I do medical research for a living - one of my colleagues once told me, "Isn't it useful to have somebody around who's already damned?"

- James

[Jeph]

Is it just me, or did this report seem more centered and less rambling than most do?

[Jürgen Mayer]

sounds like a great session, eric! and kudos for the satanic writing style...

[jrients]

thanks eric!  did your players enjoy the whole session or were they squicked at points?

[Eric Minton]

thanks eric!  did your players enjoy the whole session or were they squicked at points?

Neither, really...  strangely enough for kpfs, I think they were kinda bored.  They were certainly eager to cut the session short.  I've spoken a bit with one of the players, and I think the problem was lack of buy-in.  I ran the session as a substitute for our usual Exalted campaign (one of the players couldn't make it), and they knew nothing about kpfs, so I think they were just going along with it without actually having any real interest.  I may also have failed to properly convey the point, or rather the pointlessness, of kpfs; they may well have been waiting for the "adventure" to start.

- Eric