Help with a pitch

[Jasper]

I need a written pitch for my game, Graal, which has just gone up on RPG Now -- and I'd love to add to Clays' thread too.  Unfortunately, while I consider myself a pretty decent writer normally, I seem to be really terrible at hype or promotion of any kind, and the results always sound cheesy to me.  So I was hoping someone with a better knack for this sort of thing, and maybe a good handle on what wil grab an RPG Now shopper in particular, might be able to give me a hand with this.

here's the current listing for Graal.

I've revised it, but it still smacks of being too academic and precise rather than grabbing.  I've spent many years in academia, and Graal stemmed from a comparative lit. course, so it was probably inevitable.   But I also hate really fakey hype: I just need something informative but still...grabbing is the word I keep coming up with.

Does anyone have any recommendations?  (and feel free to do a total re-write if the mood takes you)

[ethan_greer]

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with your pitch as it stands.  It made me want to buy the game, anyway.  Unfortunately for you, I'm not going to buy it at this time, but it is now on my list.  :)

[Luke]

spell check, spell check, spell check.

I've found that no matter how trivial a piece is, whenever it is destined for the public eye, I make a mistake. I have to always spell check my work, otherwise everyone would know me for the illiterate fool I am. Also,  having a friend/mom/girlfriend/teacher proof-read your "publicity" materials is a good step. It can avoid embarrassing mistakes (like leaving out a word).

"gane" = gain.

-L

[Jasper]

Thanks, Ethan.  Maybe it's just a case of one's own work always sounding bad -- or maybe we fellow forgites are on the same wavelength about these things ;)

Abzu,

Thanks for that.  I should well know by know that just reading something over isn't good enough.  Professionalism counts...

[Paul Czege]

Hey Jasper,

I get an an error opening the demo file: "The file is damaged and could not be repaired." I've downloaded it twice, same issue.

Paul

[Valamir]

In the opening paragraph after "so ride out" should that comma be there?  I think probably no, but my comma skills are poor.

The "Player Control" section needs to be rewritten completely.  Stress how cool and fun and creative player control is.  Stay away from "whim of an autocratic GM" type stuff.

Those of us who empathize with that position already know the benefits, and those who might not have already embraced "player empowerment games" are likely to be pissed off by the choice of words.

Last recommendation...get some exposure.  You'd be hard put to find a bigger fan of Arthurian Roleplaying than me...but I'd never heard of the game before.  Now I must buy it.

[Jasper]

This modem is going to be the death of me, constantly corrupting files.  Try the demo now, Paul, it should be working (at least it worked when I re-downloaded it myself).  Very good that you tried, else I wouldn't have known.

You're right, Ralph, the Player Control bit was over the top and not helpful to any intended audience.  There's no secret group of D&D players who say to themselves "I hate my autocratic GM" but don't do anything about it...  It's been re-written, hopefully with more of a positive spin.

As for exposure, always good advice.  I will be on some banner ads, since I went for Gold Vendor status at RPG Now.  As soon as I'm sure all the kinks are gone in the web page and listing, I plan to make some announcement posts, and possibly buy some banner ads at other sites (other than those in the RPG Host loop).

[Paul Czege]

Hey Jasper,

Paul, it should be working (at least it worked when I re-downloaded it myself).

Yep, works now. And it looks great.

Regarding exposure, Ron provides a pretty good set of links to prior conversations in his post to http://www.indie-rpgs.com/viewtopic.php?t=2713">this thread. His link trading advice, in particular, is worth reading.

Paul

[daMoose_Neo]

Question (And maybe I missed this somewhere): Doesn't this conflict with the MMORPG Graal Online as far as IP and what not goes? Thats been around for quite some time... http://www.graalonline.com

[Jasper]

Well it only conflicts if anyone cares.  Their full name is actually "Graal Online" right, not just "Graal"? I'm pretty (read: very) small beans now, and there is the further distinction of comptuer/tabletop.  Of course, it might be smart to change the name to something like "Saint Graal" or "Graal: blahbity blah," at least in the fine print...and maybe I will if I ever do another release, but I'm not really concerned.  Plus it would gall me to give up a real word to some other company (I know, I know, the law doesn't care).  Thanks for the tip anyway though.

[daMoose_Neo]

I would keep it in the back of your mind~
The online game in question is used to legal issues- used to be "Zelda Online" before Nintendo jumped on them~ Then it was Graal after some reworking and a new set of graphics.
In the past, I have actually seen Cyberjourners (the company that owns it) jump on others over legal issues, small fries or not. Heck, most of the ones they skewered were fan sites or sites promoting it. Dunno what they'd do with your game :S

[PlotDevice]

I read the release when it first came out, before I looked at this thread, and I was confused by the name and the reference to the grail in the first two lines of the promo.

Even now I am not sure I get what the name of the game is supposed to refer to. My first instinct was that it was a misprint of Grail. Leaving that concern aside, though it may be arrogant from one who has not really read the material you present, here is my 4 years of English lit take on it:

A GAME OF THE QUEST

"The King and the Land are one. Where the one prospers, so does the other. When the one suffers, the other is laid low. Troubled times are upon us, for both have been blighted: struck down with an affliction that no leechcraft can assuage. Word has come to you, his sworn knight, of a search that might be attempted. Its object: the cup that claimed the spilled blood of the Lord in time immemorial. You are sworn, so you must go, but the call troubles you more than you dare show. Are you worthy in the eyes of the Lord to attain the unattainable? Moreso than even this, are you worthy for such a task in your own eyes?"

In every classic Arthurian tale, there is the Quest, with brave knights, strange lands, and enigmatic messages. Graal brings the Quest into your own hands. It is a game about personal potential, growth, and spiritual worth, where you not only battle those in your way, but solve riddles, uncover mysteries, speak with kings and maidens both, and through it all, gain virtue and insight into your own worth.

Graal is a stand alone role playing game not limited to Arthurian times, but rather can be used to play in any setting where the Quest is the paramount theme. Be you a WW2 soldier returning a lost comrade from the front lines, or a band manager looking for the next big thing, this system will let you explore the story.

>then cut in the rest of your blurb.

... ultimately not much better than what you have already, but I have actively chosen second person to involve the reader, and harped in on the points that you mention with a little more flowing structure from one to the other. Plus I have assumed a bit of knowledge in the reader about the Grail myth, since your chosen audience will know it or not be interested, IMHO.

for whatever it is worth... :)
Warm regards,
Evan

[Jasper]

That's briliiant, Evan.  Thanks very much.  You definitely captured the dire mood, as well as some of the language, of the original stories, which I was unable to.  I've updated my RPG Now listing already.

[PlotDevice]

my pleasure! glad you liked it.

It is really hard when you have written a book on something to condense the ideas down to 1/100th the words. I often stumble over my own blurbs, and need an outside perspective.

Warm regards

Evan

PS OH! French for Grail! D'OH!  *slap*