Looking for some feedback (Unearth preview)

[etherworld]

Hello,

I recently posted a PDF preview for my upcoming gameworld Unearth: The Dark Future and would love some feedback.

Please head over to http://www.etherworld.com/ and download the free preview. It's a 2-page write-up of a new construct called an Arachnoid (Death Spider). A unique creature created by the Imperium to hunt defectors, traitors and enemies of the Empire.

Any and all constructive criticism and feedback is welcome and appreciated. Please post directly to this thread for all to see.

Thanks and I hope you enjoy the preview.

[GregS]

Interesting piece, and a lot of good looking work.

That said, here are my suggestions:

1)  No where on your splash page or in your preview does it actually say what it is I'm looking at.  Despite the presence of some flavor text, I'm inclined to believe that Unearth will be a monster compendium...but even so something should tell me that.

2)  A cover image/splash image would be nice.  Using your cover art or another generic host image would be fine.

3)  I like your grey-shaded border, but I think it spilling under the text makes the text a bit tough to read.  Not tough enough that it NEEDS to be changed, but enough that I'd think about it.

All in all, though, it's good work.  You're off to a great start.

[etherworld]

Greg,

Thanks for the kind words. I'll address your points below:

1. You're right. I didn't have any mention of where this is monster was going to be included in a future work. I have added to my splash page.

2. I wanted to reserve this for the larger previews as I plan to release several more before my game goes to print and I didn't want to oversaturate previews with the cover for my game.

3. Thanks, did the border myself. :) I did think of this and I may have to lighten it up a bit or choose a bolder typeface to make the text easier to read.

Thank you.

[Space Cowboy]

Hey Joe,

I thought that the PDF was pretty well done.  My quibble has to do with the choice of the preview material.  The Death Spider is interesting but I still don't have a good idea of "Unearth: The Dark Future".  The PDF is out of context, like putting the horse in front of the cart.

If you get a chance, I think it would be a good idea to put something up explaining "Unearth: The Dark Future" and who you are.

Cheers

[etherworld]

Thanks. Okay, good point. I'm still working on the website and will have more info up about Unearth soon.

And, I think you mean "put the cart before the horse." :)

[Space Cowboy]

Thanks. Okay, good point. I'm still working on the website and will have more info up about Unearth soon.

And, I think you mean "put the cart before the horse." :)

LOL.  Touche.

[Tav_Behemoth]

Nice layout, nice descriptive text, like the Lofgren art (and it's cool that you specify that he retains the rights to his work).

Some general points:

- The margin says this is the player's guide, but a monster w/o direct relevance to players makes a poor sample for a player's guide (and might better be part of a different book).

- Your declaration that "descriptions, depictions, illustrations, history, storylines, proper names" are Product Identity is technically legitimate, but I find it pretty sweeping and vague. This tends to discourage re-use, which I think can be a great benefit to d20 publishing. You might do better to specify exactly those parts which are PI (perhaps by a graphical element in the layout, like a box, margin, or shading) so that it's clear exactly what can and can't be re-used. I personally prefer to be very conservative in what I designate PI. One thing you might consider is including a limited license allowing others to use some of the PI if they credit the source - this way, you encourage re-use, helping spread the popularity of your work, but also make sure you are recognized as its creator.

Some d20-geek points:

- Constructs normally get a bonus to their HP based on their size.

- Some of your new ability descriptions subsume other standard ability descriptions, like bio-sensors includes darkvision; for clarity it might be better to list the standard ones separately from the new abilities.

- Some of the new abilities are similar to existing effects, like web, but with slight modifications; others seem like new names for old abilities, like the +4 reaction bonus = Improved Initiative. I'd use this approach sparingly, and stick to existing effects wherever possible.

I'm not the most geeky of d20 geeks, so if these quibbles stand out to me there are probably others. One thing I've found useful is to recruit mechanics-crunchers to look over my monster stats; posting this preview and asking for help in d20 forums like EN World or the new d20-specific forums at Wizards of the Coast might get some free assistance. There are also hired guns who do this kind of thing; I know John Cooper has done some mechanical editing work for other publishers.

Oh, and you have a nice clean website and logo design.

I wish you the best!

[etherworld]

Thanks for the inout everyone, there's some good stuff here.

[Space Cowboy]

Hey Joe,

I also wanted to add that I really like the web design for your web site- it looks slick and very professional.  Who did your site?

Cheers

[etherworld]

Thanks. The webiste still needs to be built out completely but I did the design myself.