Bad RPG Fiction

[clehrich]

One other thread I wanted to start, which I think might pick up a bit once more people have drunk heavily, is about bad RPG fiction.  I'm talking about the drivel that you get at the start of a game book, and sometimes running continually throughout.

For those who haven't read it, please check out the funniest parody yet, over on rpg.net.  It's brutal, it's scathing, it's short and sweet, it's hilarious.

Now what I'm hoping is that we can do some more.  My inclination is to do them for games we actually like, but I'm open to any basically mean-spirited and obnoxious parodies.  I haven't composed one myself because, well, I tried and it didn't really work.  Can you believe that?  I can't even write bad fiction <sniff, weep>.  Come cheer me up.  As Mae West said, "If you can't say something nice, come sit here by me."

So anybody want to write a bad fiction intro for MLWM, Sorcerer, InSpectres, Donjon, etc.?  Or an (even worse) intro for a WoD game?

Here's hoping.

[Mike Holmes]

You can't do one for MLWM, no matter how purple you get it's still appropriate. MLWM is the purple prose RPG.

Sorcerer OTOH...

The sun bathed the sumptuous beach in a luxuriously pampering manner like the heat from a giant incubator. Jared strode onto the beach, gem-encrusted sacrificial knife in hand.

His inexperienced apprentice followed. "Will we be summoning today?" he said.

"By Set's Fucking balls." replied Cool Dude. "We have to perform the contact ritual first."

"Sacrifices?" queried the kid.

"Sacrifices are for summoning, we'll use drugs to expand our minds instead. You're no sorcerer." Cool Dude sighed, producing a bag of blonde Lebanese hash; then solid blackness flew from his shadow with the flick of the wrist destroying a nearby boulder.

"Cripes!"

"My demon, if you didn't know, is my shadow young one. And that just satisfied it's need. Oh no -- it's the Black Wheel!" Drawing his dagger, and summoning his demon's powers, Jared leapt to the attack. He quickly eviscerated an opposing sorcerer, ending up with the cloaked man's testicles in his left hand. Another's demon clawed his shoulder, however, sending blood spraying as he spun away from the bleary eyed monstrosity.

Jared's apprentice called on his demon, "I'm a sorcerer - I've learned well from you, master". The tide of battle turned as the demon dazed the opponents with it's gaze of flaming brightness. Despite their insane desire to win, the black Wheel were forced to run from the beach.

"Our punishment of your demons will soon be complete leaving you both helpless!" screamed the leader as he vanished.

"Hey, that's a pretty nasty demon you've summoned there", says Jared. "Now we can start to talk about real sorcery."


How's that? I'm sure that Ron will be putting this as the intro to Sorcerer & Vacation.

Mike

[joshua neff]

How's that? I'm sure that Ron will be putting this as the intro to Sorcerer & Vacation.

I think it should be called "Spring Break Sorcerer" instead.

[rafial]

Sorcerers Gone Wild!

[Jack Spencer Jr]

I have written bad fiction. I wrote a story for Orkworld once. John Wick sent me a thank you email for it, but more for the idea that someone wrote a story set in his world than anything else.

Fortunately, that was on the old computer, which died, so the world is safe, I guess.