Writing Clearly

[Ice Cream Emperor]

how do i say this without sounding like an A-hole...?

My guess is that you don't.

Even if it were true that being a good writer was an on/off switch -- which it isn't -- it seems pretty unkind to try and pass that sort of judgement based on only a few paragraphs of writing, particularly the specialised sort of writing involved in describing rules mechanics. Asking for advice from other writers is a good thing, of course, and editors are invaluable -- but there's no need to throw in the towel because you aren't some sort of natural genius.

Anyways here's the my attempt at writing what the game is about from the intro section:
This an RPG about Dramatic tea. It's about choices and character development. It's about what happens to people when they make choices. The characters will have the worst possible thing happen to them. The they will have to make important choices that address the theme throughout the game.

This a good example of one of my bigest writing problems: leaving information in my head. I know what I mean by dramtic tea, but I'm having trouble defining it better. I want to say "You know like Jane Austen, or Bujold" but I think that's pretty useless to most people.

When it comes to getting across this sort of genre/tone thing, I think a solid example -- whether a colourful, imaginary example of play, or a piece of short fiction -- is your best bet. I also think mentioning your sources of inspiration is more useful than you suggest. Perhaps even better, an Austen quote at the beginning of the relevant section would both reference the author for those who know her, and also provide an actual example of the style for those who may not know the name.

As far as specific advice for the quoted section: try varying the sentence structure a little. Most of those sentences are the same length, and have very similar cadence. It's good to use concise, declarative sentences (especially when explaining rules), but they can be even more effective when mixed in with longer, expository bits.

And here's a bit more of the Motivation text that I think is just very vague:
A character may refresh one Motivation point by spending about 15 min. doing some that centers them. It doesn't have to me the same thing every time, but it should be something thematically appropriate. They may only do so once per day of in game time.

As Valimir just mentioned, it would probably help to mention who gets to determine what is "thematically appropriate," as well as giving some guidelines (here or elsewhere) as to what that means for this specific game.

A lot of the parts you are quoting are difficult to evaluate without context -- I think my main piece of advice would be to keep writing until you feel like you have a whole 'section' done, even if the whole time you are thinking to yourself 'god, this writing is crap!' First drafts are always crap, and it will be a lot easier for you to figure out how to fix things if you have the larger structure in mind. For example, some of the statements in the above quote seem redundant to me -- it may turn out that a lot of the problem areas when you are first writing will turn out to be superfluous once the overall structure reveals itself.

[Julian]

writing is more than just knowing how to put words in a logical order.  it is an art.  you either have it or you don't. 

It's a skill. Like most skills, it improves with practice. I've looked at things I wrote 15 years ago and winced.

There may be an upper bound to one's ability, but 'competent' is within most people's reach, and is all that's truly needed in most cases.

and you don't.  not only is your writing confusing, but it utterly lacks... inspiration, warmth, and purpose.  sure, you could spend a few years mastering the art/technique of , but is it worth it?  if you love, love, love language and the process of writing, then go for it.  if you don't, then come up with the idea and give it to a writer.

Writing rules is a very different beast than writing fiction. "inspiration, warmth, and purpose" are all secondary to clarity. In fact, most people who do it aren't all that good at it.

[Ron Edwards]

This is a moderator post.

No one here is to be a judge of another person's capabilities and potential. Darrick, your comments to Anna are stupid and arrogant. You are not to post in that fashion here. The only reason to post at the Forge, especially in this forum, is to make constructive suggestions.

I am also reminding you that trying to defend yourself to me, as in "I was just being honest" or any other such nonsense, will be considered flaming. So don't post in reply. I do not care.

Best,
Ron