Elfs Metaplot (long)

[xiombarg]

Okay, I'm re-animating the end of this thread, now that I've finally managed to grab a copy of Elfs.

If people are no longer interested in a metaplot parody for Elfs, let me know.

The following is an outline of what I'm thinking. To be a proper parody, it should be in form of seveal "supplments" on the web site, and each major "change" in the game world of Nurth should have some sort of arbitary rules change associated with it. So I'm going to break this up into "supplements", and include some notes on potential rules changes.

I'm parodying the Deadlands metaplot mostly, with elements of Changeling (and other WoD games) and the Forgotten Realms thrown in.

Comments, questions, feedback, etc. are welcome. The version for the website would have more detail, especially for the rules changes.

Oh, and for no good reason, all the background stuff is done IC, using a particularly annoying character known as the Miner. (Well, the reason is to parody the Prospector from Deadlands...)

The Coming of the Talliers

Eh? What do you elves want? Yeah, you heard me. I called you elves. No, I don't have any goddamn treasure.

Oh. The one wearing too little clothing has a question. What? I'm flattered, but I can't be arsed to take my pants off at the moment. Eh? Wondering about the sudden changes in the world of Nurth, are ye? Been putting a crimp in yer yiffing, hasn't it? Well, sit still for a second. I know it's difficult, but I might tell you where there's some treasure when we're done.

They call me the Miner. Why? Because I mine gold. Or, at least I used to. Put that picksticker away, I don't have any gold! Nowadays I mine dead Elfs. Since the coming of the Talliers, it's been pretty pofitable.

You see, back during the time of the Eldaar... I mean, the Old Elfs, there was a group of evil entities known as the Talliers.  In an amazing, noble sacrifice, they were sealed beneath Nurth by a cabal of powerful sorcerers. Soon afterward, magic began to fade. It ain't nuthin' like it was in the old days.

What? No, I don't think the sorcerers yiffed afterwards. They were humans, not elfs! Er, elves. Whatever.

Anyway, I doubt you've noticed... Goddamn it, lass! Get yer hands out of that boy's pants! This is important! As I was saying, I doubt you've noticed, but elves don't cast magic so good no more. But you used to. The Elven Empire used to encompass everything.

Well, this one elf, by name of Raver, got sick of this. He read some ancient tomes that mentioned the Talliers and the glory days of the... Old Elfs, yeah. So he figured that if he freed the Talliers, then elven magic would start working better than ever.

And I'll be damned if he wasn't right. How do I know? Well, I happened to be diggin' up gold near where Raver done the deed, and when he came back from underneath the mines, he told me all about it. They don't call him Raver for nothin'. I thought he'd never shut his yap.

Anyway, now that the Talliers are loose again, we gots civil war, as you elfs are more powerful wit' magic then ever, and so are the human wizards. Petty warlords all over the place. And, of course, you damned elves don't stay in the ground no more! Some of you come back. And since I talked to Raver, I have a knack for findin' undead elfies. And getting them to do what I say. I'm hoping to use 'em to fight the Talliers.

Of course, I'm not adverse to creatin' a few elf corpses of my own, for raw material, you know.

So, yes, lass, I'll take off my pants now. Jes' get on yer knees, that's good. Don't mind this mining pick I'm raising above yer head...

[Rules Changes: I'm thinking some sort of wonky, unblanced hyped-up version of the magic system, with even more specatular backfires. Also, rules for playing undead Elfs, perhaps based on the ideas of using Elfs for doing a game where people play zombies that was in a thread around here IIRC...]

The Coming of High King Goliath

Aye, it's me. The Miner. No, I'm not going to try to kill you, I'm too tired to chase you around at the moment.

Eh? What? Have you been under a rock? Oh, you have. Yeah, that's a nice pile of gems you got there. No, no, I'm too tired for that right now, let go of my pants!

So you want the current news? When did you go under? Then you don't know about High King Goliath, then?

He's an elf. But an elf like no other. He just... appeared in the fighting surrounding Old Hamlet. Shining, golden, young. And noble, unlike most of you lot. A shining example of everything possibly good, and cunning, to boot. Smart enough to keep you buggers in check, he is, and powerful enough unify the entirety of Nurth under his rule. And TALL, for an elf. Almost a full five feet.

He's created elf knights. Elf knights! And they aren't total bastards, because they know High King Goliath will stomp on 'em if they ain't careful.

And that's not all. With the declaration of the first new Elven High King in over 10,000 years, the dwarfs are back.

You heard me right, dwarfs! Beards, shorter than even you, grumpy, love gold as much as you elfs. Damnedest thing: They serve the High King out of respect for his attempts to appease 'em, despite the fact they hate you elves! Yes, I said elves, not elfs, shut up, will you?!

Damn it. I don't care how tired I am. Where is my pick?

[Rules Changes: Rules for playing dwarfs, obviously. Instead of Low Cunning, they have Sheer Stubbornness, which is invoked whenever they insist on doing things the hard way. Rules for playing elf knights, which would be color disguised as mechanics, i.e. get bonuses for conditions no Elf would ever find himself in.]

The Troubled Time

Oh, woe. Woe.

Eh? What am I upset about? An elf like you wouldn't understand, lass. What? No, I don't think that would cheer me up. Get your hand off of there.

Look, it all fell apart after he was gone, right? Eh? Oh, you were too busy yiffing the local guard garrison to notice, weren't you? In short: King Goliath has been kidnapped.

I, alone, know who. Raver did it, at the behest of his masters. Normally he wouldn't be able to suprise someone like King Goliath, but the Talliers performed a powerful spell in the future, which sent a future version of Raver back in time, with knowledge of how things could go wrong for the Talliers. Combining with his younger self, he was able to take the High King unawares.

Yes, I suppose that would count as masturbation, but I don't think Raver opted to do that, no matter how the idea excites you. Be quiet for a moment, will ye?

It's the end times, I tell you! With High King Goliath gone, it all fell apart, into civil war again. And the suffering, the Talliers fed on it, an manifested themselves physically!

May the gods help us, the Talliers are the Four Ponyelfs of the Endtimes.

Yes! That got yer attention, didn't it? I've even seen them. They represent the doom of all elfs. The dread Flatulence, whose stench can kill a cow at sixty paces, who rides a horse as loud and fragrant as he. The gigantic Consumption, whose mouth is bigger than his head -- don't ask me how he does it. And the slimy Fornication, who is made entirely of the gentialia of both genders... Shut up! I'm sorry I mentioned it! And Rapine, the leader of the Four, who puts the urge to kill things and take their stuff in the heart of every elf.

Well, when the Four rode out on their dread Ponies, the Endtimes came, and the gods were cast out of Heaven. Nowadays, the gods are people, just like you and me. And anyone can kill them, and perhaps become a god themselves. It is, indeed, a troubled time. And with the gods missing from Heaven, magic has gone all wonky again, just when we need it most against the Ponyelfs.

Of course, many of you damned fools have joined the Ponyelfs, becoming their avatars, taking on the legs and buttocks of a Pony. Yes, that means the men are hung like a...

That's it. It's the pick for you. It's hurt only for a moment. You'll be easier to talk to when you're dead.

[Rules Changes: Magic returns to the original rules, just when you were getting used to the new ones. Rules for attempting to become a god, which ain't all it's cracked up to be. Rules for becoming an avatar of the Ponyelfs, which I haven't decided how that's going to work.]

The Aftermath

Oh, hi. What? The Ponyelfs? You know who I am, right? I'm the Miner. Yeah, I can tell you what happened.

Myself, Elderminister the Grey, most powerful human mage in all of Nurth, High King Goliath, who escaped his prison, Fluffybunnikins, the new Goddess of Death, in an epic battle the likes of which won't be seen until we feel like doing it again, using powers, abilities, and adjectives not available to any adventurer, in an event that no elf can have any effect on, defeated the Ponyelfs. King Goliath died valiant in the attempt, and the gods have returned to Heaven. Everything has returned to normal.

Eh? So what was the result of the Troubled Times? Well, Fluffybunnikins replaced Deathraptor the Dread, and I believe Henry, the god of paladins, is in a coma or something. Oh, and the dark elves are again walking the sunlit world. They kinda got free during the battle, having been imprisoned under the vault the Talliers were in. In fact, Drizzle Doorman, an unusual Dark Elf, in that he wasn't a total wanker, helped us defeat the Ponyelfs.

Eh? The dwarfs? Oh, Consumption et 'em during the last battle. A shame, really.

[Rules Changes: All the rules from the previous supplements are invalidated. Everything returns to normal. Dark Elfs are now a character option. They are just like normal Elfs, except they get a +1 to Low Cunning and a -1 to Dumb Luck, and they complain about light constantly and hate non-Dark Elfs, and each other as well.]

[Henry Fitch]

Very good. You do realize you've opened it up for horrible mixed campaigns, like the horrible White Wolf mixed campaigns that everybody seems to do that probably make the designers wake up in cold sweats? Good, just thought I'd make sure you knew.

[xiombarg]

Very good. You do realize you've opened it up for horrible mixed campaigns, like the horrible White Wolf mixed campaigns that everybody seems to do that probably make the designers wake up in cold sweats? Good, just thought I'd make sure you knew.

Heh. Yeah, that's intentional.

Extra points for anyone who knows what I'm parodying where. ;-)

[Ron Edwards]

Hey,

Sorry I didn't comment on this earlier. I love the idea (and I even found the ancient thread where Kirt first threatened us with it).

This is going to sound odd, but I suggest making the parody references even more unsubtle. Really club the reader over the head. Go to the border of copyright infringement and say "I'm not on youuuuuur side!" like a kid tormenting his younger sibling in the back seat of the SUV.

Good job so far. I hope to offer this as an Elfs website feature when it's done.

Best,
Ron

[xiombarg]

This is going to sound odd, but I suggest making the parody references even more unsubtle. Really club the reader over the head. Go to the border of copyright infringement and say "I'm not on youuuuuur side!" like a kid tormenting his younger sibling in the back seat of the SUV.

Good job so far. I hope to offer this as an Elfs website feature when it's done.

Cool, thanks. This is just the encouragement I need to go forward. With luck, I should have time to polish this up later this month. Ewige blumenkraft!