[Hell for Leather] Steal the Prime Minister's eyeballs

[Sebastian K. Hickey]

A twitch. That's what I got from Wednesday's session. Maybe it was the ear being ripped off, or maybe it was the scalpel in the testicles. No matter which, it was certainly high brow.

There were three of us, Big Joe McCluskey the Abusive Irish Trucker (Roger), Danny Doyle the Negligent Irish Barber (Me), and Tolido Ohio the Greedy American Game Show Host (Jason).

We started the game in an orange grove in Sicily, bang in the middle of Mafia country. Our Objective was MI-5 HQ, located in a Scottish castle (a la that Shit Bond movie).

Pretty wild Checkpoints:

1. Escape Sicily with the Don's daughter
2. Steal a French nuclear submarine
3. Gordon Brown's Eyes

Ewww.

Sicily

The game opened in the hills of Sicily. Roger described a winding, narrow town that lead uphill to a grand church where enormous tables were set for lunch. Imagine a sunny, Mafia wedding. You've got the bridal dress, scores of grandparents, queues of shiny limousines, and hundreds of oily haircuts. Our job was to grab the bride and use her as leverage to escape the island. Eeek.

I used my Sex and Trick Talents so that Danny Doyle could seduce the kitchen cook and poison the soup, while Roger used his Sex Talent to lure the bride away from the dining table (with some very greasy chat up lines). That's Amore.

Next thing you know, Big Joe McCluskey is beating down on the daughter as he tries to jam her in the trunk of a car. Because Roger failed his roll, I had to include Abusive in the narrative for his character, so I described him laying the girl out with a closed fist. The scream is enough to attract the heavy boys, and soon the shit is hitting the fan.

Tolido Ohio manages to delay our doom using both his Trick Talents on one roll. By this stage the Heat is so high that we need to spend all our Victory Points to lower the Heat back to normal. Soon enough, we're in a cliff side car chase with some Mafioso bikers. It gets a bit 80s, with some handbrake skids and Uzi retorts, but the whole thing is solved with a couple of 3 Star Felonies. In two shakes of a mafia hostage-ette, we're home free to the port of Rome.

Rome

We wake up as the ferry's bay doors open to the sound of screeching sirens. Kapow! There's a mega gunfight, we manage to leap onto a jet boat and things are looking hot...until Roger knocks over the Heat. Bang. All the dice hit the table with a crash: Tolido gets his foot mangled in a propeller.

Nevertheless, perseverance and an engorged body count deliver us inside the nuclear submarine (located in Italian waters), at which point the French immediately surrender (sorry France), and Big Joe McCluskey is challenged in a surprise duel by Mike Tyson (!). In the ensuing punch-up, my character Danny Doyle gets his ear bitten off, but I end up taking Tyson down with a portable soup blender.

Number 10

We arrive at Downing Street in a SWAT van. We were supposed to use the submarine to threaten the UK, but the French evicted us into the Thames after a brutal mutiny. Other stuff happened, but let's leave that out. I got my ass handed to me as I fell out of the back of the van with tear gas in my mask. I was riddled with sniper bullets and collapsed in a bloody, reckless heap.

Roger and Jason continued the struggle, doing massive amounts of murder, breaking into No. 10 and tracking down Gordon Brown. While getting one of his eyes gouged by Big Joe, Gordon grabbed a scalpel and rammed it into Big Joe's little joe, many times, until blood leaked down his thighs like a popped milk carton. It was gruelling.

Not a long while later, Tolido had his face staved in with a video camera, in what can only be described as the world's most extreme close-up.

Game over.

What a pack of losers.

Game time: 2 and 1/2 hours