critique my back-cover blurb

[woodelf]

OK, this is my first time trying to write one of these, so i'd appreciate any and all feedback. Is it too self-aggrandizing? Not informative enough? Etc. I'm posting it here primarily for critique on its own--would it get you to at least give the game a chance? I don't expect there's anyone here who's actually played Dread, so i'm not expecting any commentary on its fidelity to the game--though, if you have, and can offer such criticism, please do so.

----
Dread, Horror Roleplaying with a System of Sinister Simplicity

Dread is a game of horror and hope. Those who play will participate in a mutual telling of an original macabre tale. The goal of Dread is to sustain the delicate atmosphere that invokes the hand quivering emotion that lends its name to the game.
The thrill of a Dread game lies within the tension between desire and loss. You will take on the role of someone trapped in a story that is only as compelling as it is hostile—someone who will find themselves making decisions we hope never to face in real life.
Using an innovative technique of character questionnaires, the players and Host of a game of Dread collaborate to create characters tied to the story and each other. Equally importantly, characters in Dread are thus assured of being tied into their player's interests, desires, and fears. Once play begins, the mechanics take over, facilitating a rising tension, until eventually it reaches a head, removing the unfortunate victim, who is never to return.
----

Nat Barmore
on behalf of
The Impossible Dream
<http://www.tiltingatwindmills.net>

[matthijs]

Long, complicated sentences don't work well in a blurb. The aim is to let people understand what the game is about in maximum 30 seconds; if it takes longer to read, either the reader has put it back, or he's going to start paging through the book to get more details.

So "Those who play will participate in a mutual telling of an original macabre tale." could be "The players will create and tell a macabre tale together", for example. And "The goal of Dread is to sustain the delicate atmosphere that invokes the hand quivering emotion that lends its name to the game." can be dropped - it seems to say "The goal of Dread is to invoke dread", which seems redundant.

[jerry]

I'd drop some of the verbiage and go for shorter, punchier sentences. With perhaps some poetry to it.

First pass:

Dread
Horror Roleplaying
Sinister Simplicity

Horror and hope. Your own original tales of the macabre. Revel in the delicate atmosphere of the quivering emotion. Thrill within the tension between desire and loss. Take on the role of someone trapped in a compelling and hostile story—someone who will be forced to make decisions we hope never to face in real life.

Using innovative character questionnaires, the players and Host of Dread collaborate to create characters and story. Your characters share your interests, desires, and fears. Tension rises as the unfortunate victim is lost... in Dread.

Second pass:

Dread

Horror and hope. Desire and loss. Revel in your own delicate tales of the macabre in this simple game that guides players through the tension of living in a hostile world of sinister Dread.


Jerry

[Andrew Cooper]

Ooooh.... I like Jerry's version.

Consider this a ditto for what the others have said.  It's a bit long to read.  Short, sweet and to the point would be better.

[Polaris]

The part that jumped out at me was saying that "the mechanics take over".  I know that many role players don't like games where the game is mostly about the rule mechanics.

Just a thought...

William

[SlurpeeMoney]

Just a thought:

If your game is about dread, why not invoke some? All that talk about game mechanics and innovation, it's great when you're describing the game in its introduction, but on the back cover, the first thing most folks are going to look at, you want something that captures the imagination. As an example from the genre, look at the back cover of Vampire: The Requiem. There is nothing there that tells you "This is a game in which you create your own vampires to suffer through an eternity of suffering and moral ambiguity..." but what is said evokes the sense that this is what the game is about. It's just a freeform poem, but it gets the point across much more fluidly than a blatant explaination of the game's premise.

What about something of a second-person story? Or a poem? Something to evoke mood before you get into the meaty bits of the game.

All the best,
Kris

[Thededine]

I'll agree with prior posters first, in that your first draft is way too long.  You should stick to short, sharp declaratives and imperatives, or abandon sentences altogether. Bulleted lists have their place, and this is one of them. Remember, sentences and the rules of grammar apply to paragraphs and long pieces, not ad copy.

I wouldn't put much stock in comparing your ad copy to anything on V:tR -- V:tR is working on a mountain of product recognition that you will not have.  Nobody needs to be told that V:tR is a roleplaying game; everyone will need to be told Dread is.  That said, try and keep your ad copy as evocative of the feel of play as you can.