[The Fog of War] My war game

[Måns]

The Fog of War is my roleplaying game about war. Its actually about American wars (from WW2 to present day) or more precise It's about the soldiers who fight the wars and what they need to do and who they need to be in order to be a good soldier, to function as a soldier.

So, this is my first game in english (Im swedish) so I could really need some help from you guys with the language. Id appreciate it if you read through the first part of the game and tell me if there are any errors.

Also, Id like you to read it through and comment on the game mechanics. Its been playtested and the game works like I want it to do, but I dont know if the text is clear enough.

Heres a link to the game, the first part of the (the core game mechanics and character creation). Its a Google Document, all you have to do is follow the link. You can comment by mark a word and left click. Or you can comment in this thread.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M4sRd-GWd-C3g1qSr5e9izYwGX9hvB8soQ8WNdnfs_k/edit?hl=en_US
Heres the character sheet:
http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/9070/formno1.jpg

[Spectre]

The game has an interesting concept. I will look into it further when I have more time. I am a sucker for Morale and ethics heavy war games so I will be a little biased in my review; but in a good way!

[Double_J]

The character sheet grabbed me right away.  As a vet, it really took me back to those days -- I actually found myself remembering sitting at the reception station where I got in-processed to boot camp (quite the culture-shock moment for me).  I really like your attention to detail -- this is a clear demonstration of how all the "little pieces" form to be the "big picture".

The game itself reads a lot like AW -- both in substance and in style.   Very evocative.  The rules seem straight forward and easy to follow -- and I imagine that it would play the same.
Based on how character development works and your expected RL timeline, I would have to assume that the scenes are expected to move pretty quickly, with transitions being brief and to the point.  At first, the expected play time seemed a little short; but the more I think about it, the more I realize that long, drawn-out multi-session stories might just be a little unhealthy.  Good call on story length.
I'm interested in seeing how you flesh-out the "The Army" chapter.  I realize that this game is supposed to center around the thoughts and motivations of characters; but I really like crunchy bits in my RPGs.  With that in mind, I thought that the "Mission" chapter was a little short on details; but that may just be my own biases getting in the way.
If I had to nit-pick, it would be about just one point -- if the game is about male soldiers, then using "she" just seems (to me) like your trying to be politically correct only for the sake of being politically correct; which some people may view as being needlessly pretentious.  (that's not an attack on you -- just an observation about perceptions)

As to errors .... I noticed a few typos, but only the type which are to be expected from a non-native speaker.  Though, to be honest, I've seen native speakers really butcher some things that actually made it to publishing.  Never underestimate the value of a good proof-reader.  (if you want, I can snag many of them for you -- just say the word.  at only 29 pages, it wouldn't be much trouble)
Also, if I were an English professor, I'd probably note a few grammar/structure issues.  However, I'm not one ... the only "issues" seem to be that of style -- i.e., a matter of "conversational" versus "proper".   Your general over-all tone seemed to be rather conversational (and intentionally so), so I personally wouldn't worry about that.


Well, I hope that was helpful.

[stefoid]

I had the briefest of looks, saw a bit clearly labelled "why you roll, and when you roll" and thought - cool!  I will read more of this when I have time.

over and out.

[stefoid]

Looks great to me.

[andrei]

I'm confused about how you spend hope - what exactly would 'losing on your own terms' mean? Managing to retreat via the route you wanted? Managing to keep the convoy from being shot down as you pulled back? Also, why would characters have bad things happen to them once they got back home if they had lost all hope during the war?

[Måns]

The character sheet grabbed me right away.  As a vet, it really took me back to those days -- I actually found myself remembering sitting at the reception station where I got in-processed to boot camp (quite the culture-shock moment for me).  I really like your attention to detail -- this is a clear demonstration of how all the "little pieces" form to be the "big picture".

Thanks! Thats the kind of feed back I like!

The Army section will be fleshed out a bit, yes. I have to do some reserach and as always that takes some time. Same goes for The Mission chapter. I will add some text later on. And you're right about AW. I've been playing indiegames for years but still, when I first laid my hands on AW it was like open the hood of the story now engine. Fascinating to see how all the little bits fit together.

if the game is about male soldiers, then using "she" just seems (to me) like your trying to be politically correct only for the sake of being politically correct; which some people may view as being needlessly pretentious.  (that's not an attack on you -- just an observation about perceptions).

You might be right, but I'll take my chances. Just the fact that you mention it proves (to me) that I did the right thing.

I will gladly let you (or anyone you know) proof read the text when it's done. There are still text to add and probably som to cut as well.

Again, thanks!

[Måns]

Looks great to me.

Thank you.

[Måns]

I'm confused about how you spend hope - what exactly would 'losing on your own terms' mean? Managing to retreat via the route you wanted? Managing to keep the convoy from being shot down as you pulled back?

I probaly need to examplify that, I havn't got to that yet. But, 'losing a conflict on your own terms' means not achieving what you tried to achieve, but instead of the GM telling you the consequenses you make it up yourself. Take you first example, if you wanted to take a certain route thats what you fail to do that, but you get to tell how it happens. Maybe you dont take any casulaties. Similarly, if you tried to prevent the convoy from being shot down, you wont succed in doing that, but you might narrate how your best friend survived or something like that.

Also, why would characters have bad things happen to them once they got back home if they had lost all hope during the war?

Theme. The Story Now kind of theme. The game always tell you how it all ends, and in this particular case your situation is hopeless. Its a story now game mechanic. Theres no in game logic or anything like that.   

[andrei]

That's what confused me. I thought you were talking about the character's psychological sense of hope, rather than whether the situation is advantageous or hopeless. Barring PTSD, it would have made little sense for a character who had lost all hope to somehow have very bad circumstances at home, and even with PTSD, it would have made little sense for it to be induced by losing on one's own terms, rather than by losing really, really badly. I would rather that "hope points" were called "fate points" or something to that effect.

[Måns]

andrei,
think of it like this. When you, as player via your character comes to the point where you state you hope (i.e "If I get out of here alive I'll:......"), you wish that to happen, both as player and character. Its the hope of your charcter to survive the war and fulfill something. In play, you as a player, can sacrifice your characters hope. You have to make a choice. If you use up all your characters hope she will not fulfill it. If she gets back home in one piece something else will happen, and the GM tells you what and how. Its not in game causality but It works very well.