I've been hammering away at The Business for awhile, and I've got pages and pages of random notes making up a nearly complete rpg. Only trouble is, it only makes sense to me. =-)

So, I've been working on writing out a draft of the actual manual. I've just completed the introduction, and I wanted to submit it to the Forge for the kind of good, honest, constructive criticism you can get from people who have been designing games longer than I have.

My goals for the introduction:

1. To explain the premise of the game in a clear manner
2. To get people pumped to play this game

So the question is, does the introduction meet these goals? Goal number two is especially important to me, so if anyone has any tips on how to improve it, I'm all ears.

I won't be back online until probably thursday or so--so should this become an old thread by then, I'll see what I can do to respond via PM.
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Disclaimer

The Business is, in essence, a game of pretend with some rules tacked onto it to give it a sense of structure and risk. This game is not, however, an excuse to commit crimes for real. You are not your Crook. Steel City is not a real place. It is not okay to commit crimes. If you have trouble understanding that, stop reading right now. Put this game down, and seek professional help--for your own sake, and for the sake of those around you. We are not responsible for the actions of those who misuse this game.

INTRODUCTION

This is a game about hardened criminals. If you're more interested in chasing down bad guys and saving the day, this is not the game for you. Run far, and run fast.

If, however, a game of hot lead and cold hard cash is appealing to you, you've come to the right place. You and your friends will take on the role of a gang of crooks, looking to make big bucks in the world of organized crime. Along the way, you'll steal, deal--and maybe even kill--your way to success. Or you'll die. Life is funny that way.

You'll create for yourself a criminal persona--be it a con artist, a drug dealer, a carjacker, a street pimp--hell, you can be almost any kind of criminal you want. You'll control the actions of this character as they muscle their way to the top. You'll make connections along the way with some of the most notorious crooks the city has ever seen. If you're lucky, you might even make it to your next birthday party.

It ain't easy being scum--but it sure is fun.

Virtual Villainy

In The Business, you and 2-5 friends get together to bring the world of Steel City to life. You or one of your friends acts as The Don. The Don is responsible for adjudicating the rules of the game, as well as creating challenges for the rest of the players to overcome.

Every other player creates their own personal character, called a Crook. During the game, each player controls every action their Crook takes. Players will sometimes speak as their Crook when interacting with characters controlled by other players, and by The Don. The Don plays the part of every non-player character, or NPC, in the game.

Sometimes, your Crook will try to do something that has a chance of failing, like shooting a gun or picking a lock. Any time your Crook attempts such an action, you roll dice to see if the character succeeds or fails. We'll explain how to resolve such actions later on.

Most of the time, the Crooks in the game work together towards common goals. These goals will, most of the time, be criminal in nature. By achieving these goals, you can not only make loads of cash for your character, you can help your Crook improve their skills and attributes.

Unlike many other games, if you fail to achieve your goals, the game isn't necessarily over--it just means that life goes on for the characters without the benefits that would have come from not screwing things up. The game ends when everyone decides it ends.

Your characters can end, though. Crooks can die if they're not careful. It's up to you to be smart enough, and lucky enough, to keep your Crook alive. The Don has no tolerance for stupid mistakes, and no sympathy for dead Crooks. Hey, that's life, kid--you're the one who wants to break the law.

A single Session of The Business usually lasts 3-6 hours. Most people play the same characters throughout several sessions. This is called a Campaign.

If you think you're ready to try it, let's take you to the Ugliest Place On Earth...

STEEL CITY

Imagine, if you will, a place where the buildings scrape the sky while the homeless scrape the trash cans...where the police is overburdened and underpaid...a place with no shortage of smog, dark alleys, dealers and despair.

Not very hard, is it?

Steel City is a major American metropolis--complete with its own sports teams, mass transit system, and population crunch. It's the kind of place where you can get Chinese at 4:00 AM. It's considered one of the richest (and most expensive) places to live in the United States.

It's also one of the most dangerous.

Crime is everywhere in Steel City. The little old ladies carry pepper spray in their purse, and a significant percentage of murders go unsolved due to an underfunded police force. Of course, crime in the city goes deeper than two-bit thugs on the street.

For decades, the city has felt the iron grip of organized crime. Protection rings, dirty cops, drug networks, and other such cancers have seemingly always been a part of the city. So far, the authorities haven't been able to pin these problems on an exact source. Rest assured, though...that source does exist.

Mickey O'Neil

There are those who would call John Gotti "The Teflon Don." Those people have obviously never met "Non-Stick Mick."

Mr. O'Neil is the patriarch of the most dominant crime family the city has ever known. The O'Neil family has ruled the streets of Steel City since the era of prohibition. They've done so by being smarter than the law, and stronger than the competition. Other families have come and gone, but the O'Neil family is here to stay.

Mickey is determined to make sure that the family business stays profitable. He does this in a few ways: first, he makes sure the local authorities are very well taken care of. Second, he makes sure only the best are allowed to join the family. And third, he eliminates any and all competition--by any means necessary.

Competition, in fact, is a sore spot for Mr. O'Neil. He does not like being opposed. So ruthless is his competitive spirit that he eliminates anybody who poses even a remote threat to the family empire. It is a long standing tradition in the city that nobody operates in his city without his blessing. Anyone in violation of this code of conduct will find out there are worse places to end up than the bottom of the river...

So, if you're an aspiring criminal, how do you get your start in Steel City without crossing the family?

Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em...

Joining the Family

The word on the street is that being a part of the O'Neil family is a pretty sweet deal. Family members enjoy access to almost anything they would need--cars, money, drugs, weapons, muscle, even real estate. They are connected with the most powerful criminals in the city. They get invited to the best parties. They've got it all.

In addition, the family always protects its own. Members of the family are sworn to watch each-other's backs...even certain members of the police force have taken such an oath. It's a promise made in blood--and paid in blood if broken. Mr. O'Neil has organized the family into a number of Gangs, or groups of Crooks who help each-other survive the rough world of organized crime. If you can count on anybody, you can count on the Gang.

The most obvious benefit, however, is that a member of the family has the blessing of Mr. O'Neil to operate in his territory. All but the lowliest gang members and thugs need this blessing to avoid the wrath of the family.

The Offer You Won't Refuse

If you're lucky, you might get the chance to join the family yourself. Of course, the benefits far outweigh the responsibilities you'll have as a member of this criminal organization.

Mr. O'Neil is, above all things, a businessman. He doesn't bring people into his organization merely for charitable purposes. If you want to join the family, you've got to bring a few things with you...

1. Talent: The family doesn't have the time to babysit Crooks who don't know what they're doing. The more you screw up, the more trouble you cause for the organization. Rest assured--if you want in on the action, you've got to be the best.

2. Loyalty: Even if you're the greatest criminal in the world, you're no good to the family if you sell people out. Those who keep their lips locked about the family secrets will go far. Those who don't won't have lips.

3. Cash: Let's face it--in this game, it's all about the Benjamins. If you want to operate in Steel City, you've got to put money in the bank. How much? Your Gang's monthly tribute will usually be about $5,000. If you're good, you can easily make three times that in a month. If you're not good...well, you're not invited.

If you think you're bad enough to meet such high expectations, you just might get your shot at joining the family. There are no second chances though--in this game, it's fuck or walk.

Are you walking yet? Good.

Very flavorful.

The Don plays the part of every non-player character, or NPC, in the game.