It's Forge Birthday, I can say anything I want :-)

If you know a good corny joke, add it on in...

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So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
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A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
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Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
Because the "b" shells were too small.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
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A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a................ whiskey, please" The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?" The bear replies "I don't know, I've always had big paws".
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A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only a pair of bubble-wrap shorts. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
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Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street when they crash into each other. They pick themselves up and one says "Are you ok?" "No," says the other, "I think I've lost an electron". "Are you sure?" asks the first. The other replies, "Yes, I'm positive".
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But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
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I'm here all week. Try the veal.
Brian.

Nothin' in the world better than bad jokes!

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Two guys walk into a bar. The second one says to the first, "Don't feel bad, I didn't see it either."

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And my stab at the worst pun of all time (not as timely as it once was):

What do you call the former Vice President of the United States playing the drums?

An algorithm.

What do you call a homosexual from Wisconsin?

Dairy Queen

this joke has taken over ARK and mutated into a billion in-jokes:

a pirate walks into a bar. he has a small pilot's wheel (steering wheel) protruding from the fly of his pants.

the bartender asks, "why do you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

the pirate replies, "ARRRR! it's drivin' me nuts!"

Did you hear the one about the guy who kept having dreams about being a lobster?

His wife left him. She said he was shellfish in bed.

--
Trevis

A-ha. Bad jokes are an area in which I can truly shine.

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Q. What happens when a cow backs into a 747?
A. Udder distruction.

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Did you hear about the girl who ate four pounds of uranium? She got atomic ache.

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Q. What does a dog say when you rub him with sandpaper?
A. "Rough!"

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Q. How many thumbs do you need to screw in a light bulb?
A. One.

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Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated arrr!

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Q. What do you tell someone who is upset at the delay of a delivery of german sausage?
A. The wurst is yet to come.

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Q. What's the definition of debate?
A. What you use to catch de fish.

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A guy walks into the doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor says, "what seems to be the problem?" The frog replies, "Doc, can you please remove this wart from my ass?"

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And, for the finale:

A frog hops into the bank. Patricia Wack, the next available teller, calls him up to the window and asks what he needs.

"I want to borrow five thousand dollars," replies the frog.

"And your name, um, sir?"

"Kermit Jagger."

"Uh, okay. Do you have any collateral?"

The frog produces a small ceramic elephant from his pocket and hands it to Patricia. Completely flummoxed at this point, Patricia excuses herself and goes into the bank manager's office with the elephant.

"There's a frog out there who wants to borrow five grand, and he gave me this elephant for collateral. What the heck is this thing?"

The bank manager calmly replies, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

I'm sure you've all heard about the optician who fell into his lens-grinding machine. After all, he made quite a spectacle of himself.

- Walt

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the counter.

The horse says, "surprised to see me here?"

The guy says, "yeah, did the cow sell the place?"

(this joke was actually told by Fozzie Bear on a Muppet Show record I had as a kid)

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What do you call a cow with only two legs?

Lean beef.

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All the others I know are best told in person, with the security cameras turned off.

...but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

I know a bunch of dead baby jokes, but I don't think anyone wants to hear them. At this very moment I'm trying not to recall them so I don't have to go through the trauma.

The trauma!

-Joshua

The pope goes into a bar, sits down at a table, right, orders his water. The seven dwarfs are at the next table over...

Hold on. Anybody doesn't want to read this joke? Now's the time.

Right so the seven dwarfs. One of 'em, Sneezy, comes over to the pope. Achoo! "Excuse me, mr. pope sir? Me achoo! and my friends have a question."

"What can I help you with, Sneezy?"

"Well, we were achoo! just wondering. Are there any midget achoo! nuns in the Vatican?"

"Midget nuns?" says the pope. "I don't believe that there are."

Sneezy goes back and reports to the other dwarfs. They grin and chuckle, except Grumpy, who looks grumpy.

After a bit, Doc comes over to the pope and does that thing with his glasses. "Excuse me, mr. pope sir? May we ask you another question?"

"Of course, Doc."

"Are there by any chance any midget nuns in Europe?"

"Well," says the pope, "I'd be hard pressed to think of a one. No, no, I don't think there are any midget nuns in Europe."

Doc goes back. Apparently the dwarf think this is pretty funny. They laugh and pound each other on the back, except grumpy, who shoots dark looks around and mutters.

After some prodding from the others Bashful comes over. "Um," he says. "Um, mr. pope, sir? Um?"

"It's alright, Bashful," says the pope. "Go ahead."

"Um, mr. pope sir, are there um any um midget nuns anywhere? In the world?"

"Bashful, I'm the most widely travelled pope in the history of popedom, and I can say with some certainty that no, there are no midget nuns anywhere in the world."

Now this is like the funniest thing the dwarfs have ever heard. They hoot and spill their beer and fall out their chairs. All except Grumpy, who throws up his hands and storms out.

"Now Bashful," says the pope, "what's this about?"

"We think Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

Lean beef.

Wow, I can remember hearing Bob Hope tell the grasshopper joke on a chatshow from the seventies.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A sit.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

Another dirty one:

How did one elephant find the other elephant in the tall grass?

Delightful!

This one's my six-year-old's favorite, but not his grandparents':

What did the little fish say when it swam into a cement wall?

Dam!

-Vincent

Heard this one on Friday.

Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

A: Half a dog!

A woman is concerned about the small size of her breasts and asks her husband if he can think of anything she can do to make them bigger. He tells her to rub some toilet paper between them every day, because it sure worked for her ass.

http://www.rinkworks.com/jokes/ has many, many jokes. A semi-random sampling of bad jokes:

* Two monkeys stumbled into a wall. They were plastered!

* Daniel and Ginny are walking down the street one evening. As they pass one house, they hear loud shouting and crashes inside. Peter and Elizabeth Jones live there and are having a fierce argument. At the height of the quarrel, Peter picks up a table lamp, rips it out of the wall, and hurls it at Elizabeth. Elizabeth ducks, and the lamp flies past her through the window. It sails over Daniel and Ginny's heads. Daniel looks up and exclaims, "Soft! What light through yonder window breaks!"

What's an educated hole in the wall?
A wisecrack.

Did you hear about the plumber who worked a top a skyscraper?
He plunged to his death.

A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

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A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

My favorite joke:

Mickey Mouse & Minnie Mouse in court, getting a divorce. The judge says to Mickey, "Let me get this straight, Mr. Mouse. You say you want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?"

And Mickey says, "No, I keep telling you, she's not crazy, she's fucking Goofy!"

(And now watch the Forge get sued by Disney.)

What do vegetarian zombies say?

GRRRRAAAAAAINS!

What's black and white and won't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear in her head.

A skeleton walks into a bar, and says "Give me a beer, and a mop."

Good night folks.

Happy Birthday, Forge. Hey. . . Is there any cake left?

A year ago, Brian Leyborne wrote: I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Here's one I posted on a DnD forum board once:

*A group of people are playing DnD on the floor, because they don't have a table. About an hour into the game, one of the players rolls a d20 for no apparent reason. He rolls a 5, curses to himself, and then goes on with the game.

30 minutes later, the same player rolls again, this time getting a 3. He curses again, and then resumes the game. 15 minutes later, the same player rolls again, and gets a 6.

Finally, the DM asks, "Why do you keep rolling your d20?"

The player replies, "I'm rolling to see if my foot wakes up."

Q: What's Orange and sounds like a parrot?


A: A carrot.

What's yellow and spotty and comes in a red and white can? Campbell's cream of leopard soup.

What's yellow on the outside and gray and VERY CROWDED on the inside? A school bus full of elephants.

Why are rhinocerouses so wrinkly? Because they're hard to iron!

-Vincent

What do you call a fly with no wings?

Screwed.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Oh God, I just re-read this thread from the beginning ...

So these three guys get caught by the cannibals, and there they are, tied to stakes on the beach, and the cannibals have a big iron cauldron over a fire, full of boiling water.

(I do not know where the island cannibals get their iron cauldrons. They do always seem to have one.)

Chief goes up to the first guy: "Do you know what we're going to do to you? We're going to kill you, skin you, eat you, and use your skin to build a canoe. But! Since you fought us so bravely, we'll give you the choice to commit suicide, rather than dying under torture. What do you say?"

Guy says, "Give me a knife!" They do. He says, "I regret I have but one life to give for my country," (or some such twaddle, replace as you see fit) and cuts his own throat.

[repeat all of the above for the second guy, with different last words.] [Optional: assign the three guys suitable nationalities/ethnicities, as you see fit; I've heard it with many different combinations]

Chief goes up to the third guy, all proceeds as with the first two, until the guy replies, "Give me a fork!" (cannibals look puzzled, give him a fork)

He stabs himself all over the chest and says, "Fuck your canoe!"

Best,
Ron

My kids' favorite:

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Says the larger one of them: "Hey, didcha know that theresh a current of wind along the building, so if you fall, it slowsh you down and you land shafely?"

The other guy does not believe it. So guy one jumps out of the window and lo and behold, his fall slows down, and he lands safely.

The other guy is impressed. He jumps. He splatters all over the street.

The first guy orders another whiskey.

Says the bartender: "Shit, you're quite an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

Why doesn't a Rooster wear underwear?

Cause his pecker's on his head.

A young man goes to the doctor.
- "What seems to be the problem?" He sheepishly drops his pants to reveal a bright, orange dick.
- "This looks very serious! How long has it been this way?"
- "Ever since I won the state lottery."
- "You won the lottery? Well, congratulations. What did you do with the money?"
- "I quit my job. Now I sit around all day, watching pornos and eating Cheetos."

** ** **

The following story reveals the origin of the phrase, "you've gotta be shitting me."

George Washington travels on a boat with 23 other men, through the fog, across the icy waters of the Potomac.
- "Peters!"
- "Sir!"
- "Man the prow and report our position." Peters leans out over the water and loses his footing. Down he goes, drowned in the depths.

The boat reaches the shore. The men collect their gear and march into the woods. Ahead, they see a red light and a lady of the evening on the balcony of a lodge.
- "Madame, my men and I require food and lodging for the night."
- "My girls should be able to handle them. How many, altogether?"
- "Let's see .. without Peters, it's 23."
- "You've gotta be shitting me."

taalyn wrote: What do vegetarian zombies say?

GRRRRAAAAAAINS!

"What do we want?"

"GRADUAL CHANGE!"

"When do we want it?"

"IN DUE COURSE!"