Help with ORX Press Release Text

[greyorm]

Heya all,

I plan on submitting a press release about Orx to a couple gaming sites over the next few weeks to (hopefully) generate interest, and I am wondering if the following text is catchy/ad-worthy/etc.

What is ORX, you ask? No, it isn't a big, green, ugly monster with 2HD that occasionally reproduces with humans.

ORX is the role-playing game about...halflings! I mean orcs! Oh no, not another game about the most over-used bad-guy in all fantasy! Yep. But this isn't your typical "let's play the bad guys who aren't so bad" or "hey, look, a detailed non-human culture" game. Heck no, this is about getting down, dirty and humorously nasty. And it isn't your father's RPG.

ORX aims to please both the casual player interested in tactics and gaming and the hardcore storyteller who loves to write novels based on his character's experiences. The game supports a range of styles from dark-and-gritty to light-and-humorous, depending on the group's whim, and with no changes to the mechanics in order to do so.

ORX features an innovative system aimed at making play fun -- even while your orcs get beaten, maimed, and squished -- while staying true to the idea of what orcs are and how they go about doing things; resolution is quick and intuitive, but still provides tactical options to the players, keeping the game fresh and exciting on both story and mechanical fronts.

ORX is 113 pages, unillustrated, large type, indexed & bookmarked PDF. For the moment, you can purchase a copy direct from the publisher by surfing to http://orx.daegmorgan.net/purchase.htm

Does that perk your interest? Is there anything I should add, anything I've failed to mention that you would want to know, or anything I should remove/reword?

Thanks!

[Andrew Morris]

Nope, doesn't catch my interest. I started glossing by the third sentence. If I'm reading a press release, I want to know in the first sentence whether I should bother with the rest. This just doesn't do it for me. Also, the tone bounces from conversational to informative, which throws me while reading it. Unless you've got a very creative lead targeted to the audience, I'd stick with a traditional format, like: general info, one to three interesting points, testimonial. Hope that's helpful.

[Sean]

It's well-written, but insufficiently self-pimping. The game is telling you what it's not and apologizing for itself in the first two sentences! Leave that for the game-text itself, I say. Tell me why I want to play your game RIGHT NOW!

Also, it's one hit die.

[Valamir]

I'd go with something more aggressive...like

Code Select Expand

"Orx...be as nasty as you want to be.  Slaughter humans by the score, make a necklace out of elf ears, wipe your ass with a dwarf's beard...while its still attached!  And Halflings?  Halflings are for eating.  You might get a little maimed or beheaded in the process, but so what, there are always more orx.  Sharpen your battle axe and start practicing your best grunting warcry, this is Orx the roleplaying game by blah blah blah..."

[greyorm]

All good advice, thank you for the feedback!

I'm reworking the text to highlight the most interesting aspects of the game system and the associated color of the game that accompanies them, as suggested, and I'll post it up once I feel I've got something close to decent. Other comments on the existing text are still appreciated, however!

[hix]

Hey Rev, in general I enjoyed it but felt the 'having both sides of a conversation' style made it unnecessarily confusing to read.

That first sentence didn't work for me as a summary statement or point of interest. You could try deleting it or coming up with a grabbier lede.

Edited to add
- The tone tells me ORX is a comedy game, so I'm confused when I read it can go "from dark-and-gritty to light-and-humorous"
- That fourth para (starting "ORX features ...") has a lot of "have your cake and eat it" moments where you say it can do one thing BUT it can also do the other.
- Maybe end the release with some pithy reaon-to-buy-it-now kind of statement?
- Why would you play it? What are the top 5 reasons it's a) revolutionary or b) awesome fun? [Edits end]

Possible rewrites
ORX is the role-playing game about halflings! I mean orcs! Another game about the most over-used bad-guy in all fantasy, yes.

and with no changes to the mechanics in order to do so..
(becomes)
and without changing the mechanics.

ORX features an innovative system aimed at making play fun while your orcs get beaten, maimed, and squished; resolution is quick ...

[jdagna]

If this is a true press release, then I'd recommend going for tone and content that someone could literally copy right into a story about your article (though you don't have to be as objective about your products as a real reporter might be).  What you have there sounds more like promotional/ad copy and not a true press release.

A story in a newspaper has a very specific structure, and you'll find that it actually addresses a lot of what people are talking about:
Headline: a micro-summary of the article (three to seven words, usually)
First Paragraph: a brief summary of the article (one or two sentences, or about twenty to fifty words).
Introduction: a summary of the article (two or three paragraphs, about 100 words).
The Article: as much space as necessary to fit the rest of the information you need to convey.  Very long articles generally divide this section into topical areas.

So, to take what you've got here:

ORX sheds new light on orcs.

for [either "immediate release" or a release date]
by [author's name, though many press releases leave this off because traditionally, another reporter will use the information for their own article]

[city, state and/or country]The PDF ORX role-playing game is about getting down, dirty and humorously nasty while playing orcs, a species normally reserved for enemy NPCs.  And these orcs aren't just ugly monsters with 2HD.

ORX features an innovative system aimed at making play fun -- even while your orcs get beaten, maimed, and squished -- while staying true to the idea of what orcs are and how they go about doing things; resolution is quick and intuitive, but still provides tactical options to the players, keeping the game fresh and exciting on both story and mechanical fronts.

ORX aims to please both the casual player interested in tactics and gaming and the hardcore storyteller who loves to write novels based on his character's experiences. The game supports a range of styles from dark-and-gritty to light-and-humorous, depending on the group's whim, and with no changes to the mechanics in order to do so.

ORX is 113 pages, using large, user-friendly type.  Readers will find the comprehensive indexes and bookmarks invaluable in this PDF publication, and they won't have to waste ink or space on unnecessary artwork. For the moment, you can purchase a copy direct from the publisher by surfing to http://orx.daegmorgan.net/purchase.htm

[This is a good point to slide on in to a description of the company/author/publisher and other website resources like forums.]

That said, I agree with everyone else that the body text tries too hard to please everyone.  In fact, my reaction to it is that it's yet another incoherent game with no clear design goals.  If you still want to show flexibility, try to express these things like they don't conflict.  For example "The ORX system is designed with casual gamers in mind, including an easily-learned set of tactics that will keep them plotting deep into the night.  In the morning, more than one player may even turn his character's exciting adventures into a satisfying story."  Given that one of the main points of GNS and the "system matters" philosophy is to say that story doesn't have to conflict with mechanics, I'm kind of surprised to see you perpetuating the myth that they do.

You'll see that I did something similar with the last paragraph in the quotes above, where I made something like "unillustrated" sound appealing by emphasizing its advantages.

Another thing that I'd work on: you say,  "...while staying true to the idea of what orcs are and how they go about doing things."  What does that actually mean in this game?  Is the orc way just to go around pillaging and plundering until killed by do-gooder heroes?  Or do you redefine that in some way?   You might even give an example of an adventure outcome that shows the orc way and perhaps the system at work.  Such an example might also explain how players will enjoy getting maimed and squished...

In fact, you could do the story as a quote from an "excited fan" (especially if you can name the person specifically - playtesters are often happy to provide such quotes, or you can create quotes for them, provided that you're sure they'd agree with what you write).  Quotes from the author/publisher/etc are also good because it helps to break up the text and gives you a place to put totally biased statements without making the whole article sound like pure ad copy.

[Alan]

Raven,

Try putting the fourth paragraph first.  Then, as others have mentioned, remove the apologetic tone of the rest.  Assert what your game _is_, not what it is not.

[Andrew Morris]

Justin's revisions are excellent. Also, the point he makes about quotes is important. Nine out of ten "quotes" you see in print were never stated by the person being quoted. Make up quotes that fit your piece, then get someone's approval to use the quote as theirs.

[xiombarg]

Ditto what everyone else said. Speaking as the editor at rpgnews.com, I see a LOT of press releases, and the ones I like are short and to the point, hitting hard and fast. Plus, lose the halfling joke.

[greyorm]

That said, I agree with everyone else that the body text tries too hard to please everyone.  In fact, my reaction to it is that it's yet another incoherent game with no clear design goals.

You are completely correct, Justin, the release text does seem to indicate that. Given everyone's input, I think I need to rewrite the text completely to highlight what the system is about/produces, and simply ditch the current (above) text as not fit to print.

Given that one of the main points of GNS and the "system matters" philosophy is to say that story doesn't have to conflict with mechanics, I'm kind of surprised to see you perpetuating the myth that they do.

Hm, I guess I didn't see it saying that at all. Thanks for pointing that out. I definitely want to go the other direction.

Is the orc way just to go around pillaging and plundering until killed by do-gooder heroes? Or do you redefine that in some way?

That's one of the things I'm struggling with regarding introducing the game: there are a number of "ways" to play, and what orcs are/do/act like is really left up to the group as a whole. There's very humorous ways to play, with orcs set as bumbling raiders and Stooge-style companions, and there's heroic ways to play, where the orcs are a dying race of warriors desperately trying to ensure their race's survival in a hostile universe, and there's very dark ways to play, where the orcs really are evil, filthy, vermin engaged in all sorts of disreputable and unredeemable actions. These styles can be mixed-and-matched to taste, though the default is a sort of dark, low-brow (bad) humor, as evidenced throughout the text.

The overarching thread that binds one game of Orx to another is the concept of Fate: that is, along with the idea that the universe exists simply to beat you down, your death is inevitable, so how long can you avoid it?

Both those ideas are mechanically supported, if not the main mechanics of the game. Game-wise, orcs spend their time trying to survive an on-going series of situations with a lethal end-result, and in doing so, they attract the attention of their doom. The only way to even the odds back in favor of their survival is to get loot -- whether you get it from adventuring/raiding (harder), or by stealing it from the other players (usually easier).

Hence the game is also "about" working together as a team, and at the same time scheming how to come out on top as an individual. Teamwork and infighting are part-and-parcel of play, since that's what orcs are all about in fiction, that's what they do.

So, I'm thinking my next attempt needs to highlight those aspects of play in particular, along with the neat bits about the dice and rule system (part of which is actually very well expressed by the "an easily-learned set of tactics that will keep them plotting deep into the night" statement -- the system is dead simple: where it gets interesting is when you start considering your options (if I do X, then won't he have to do Y?)).

This is what I've puked out so far:

Featuring a clever mechanical system that allows players to utilize any attribute for any action, and define anything as a skill, Orx is played both with and against the other players as you all try to outmatch the gamemaster. Gather loot, sneer at fate, and wrest control of the orcish horde in order to bend it to your own will!

Or something similar, plus additional text.

[greyorm]

Alright, I've been working on this. Here is what I have thus far.

Orx is coming! No, it's not bad grammar, it's the new role-playing game about the nastiest, most short-tempered brutes in all of fantasy. Gather loot, sneer at fate, and wrest control of the orcish horde in order to bend it to your own will!

Orx features a clever mechanical system that allows players to utilize any attribute for any action, and define anything as a skill. Like chess, the basics of play are simple to learn, but the possible tactics will keep you plotting deep into the night -- both with and against your fellow players. Do you have what it takes to survive the longest against the gamemaster's traps and minions and earn the envy and hatred of your friends?

Orx has something for everyone: play a comedic band of bumbling raiders, the noble warriors of a doomed race, or a bunch of subhuman sociopaths bent on terror and (self)destruction. The choice is yours! Write epic comedies or dark adventures, or spend all night betting your week's pay on the next roll of the dice and say to heck with the story crap!

Orx is a 113 page PDF printed in large, user-friendly type. Readers will find the comprehensive indexes and bookmarks invaluable, and they won't have to waste ink or space on unnecessary artwork. For the moment, you can purchase a copy direct from the publisher by surfing to http://orx.daegmorgan.net/purchase.htm  Additional game play materials and alternative rules will also be made available via the game's site for free.

"I used to think the mating habits of orcs would be an absolutely fascinating area of study, but now I just like smashing things and counting all my dice!" says Ron Edwards, a satisfied game designer, cured of his bizzare mental fascinations through Orx play.

(Legal notice: Ron did not really say that, it's just a placeholder.)

I'm not sure what else I should say, if anything. Is there anything else you, as a potential buyer, would like to know about the game?

[xiombarg]

That's a lot better, methinks, tho I think the first paragraph could be tighter...

[Andrew Morris]

I'd lose the first paragraph entirely, and just work the fact that it's a product release into the first sentence of the second paragraph -- "Orx, a new RPG by [whatever/whoever], features a..." And I'd strongly suggest getting rid of the exclamation points. If I read a press release with more than...oh...say...one (at the most), I'm not inclined to take it seriously.

[greyorm]

Thanks for the feedback. I admit that the first paragraph is the one I am most bothered by myself and waffling on its inclusion. However, the "Gather Loot..." sentence needs to stay in there somewhere: that's talking about the game, because that IS the game (Loot and Fate are two core attributes/mechanics of play).