intro to roleplaying (for Unsung)

[xiombarg]

Could y'all do me a favor?

http://xiombrag.tripod.com/unstart.pdf

The above is some introductory "what is roleplaying" kinda text for the RPG I'm currently working on the manuscript for.

I want to know if people think it will make sense to non-gamers. I'm interested in if it makes sense, and if seems to be pushing the particular style of game I'm going for (mostly Narrativist), and (again) if you think non-gamers will "get" it.

Also, knowledge if it's patronizing or not is good. ;-D

Right now the PDF is totally not laid out, so I know it's very bland and unpretty, you don't have to tell me that. I want to know if it gets its concepts across okay.

[Zak Arntson]

Your first problem is not identifying it as a roleplaying game, right off the bat. You skirt around the term, and avoid mentioning it.

I like your simile, radio play & gambling.

The example of play has a lot of game rules thrown in, though I don't know if that's good or bad. You should put your script below the game moderator section, at the very least, and identify the GM in the script.

Other than that, it's a great introduction. I like the card mechanic to replace a d20, too.

[Jack Spencer Jr]

I second the feeling of beating around the bush.  I'm not sure what, exactly, you are trying to convey. I also don't like play transcripts that are like scripts. I tend to skim past them without reading them. I hope it wasn't important.

[quozl]

I like it a lot except for the following:

* the first sentence makes the game sound really lame

* the example of play is really confusing if you're not used to reading these

I hope that helps!

[DevP]

the first sentence makes the game sound really lame

Afraid so. You're talking about the GRITTY AWESOME ACTION OF COPS AND SOLDIERS WALKING THE THIN LINE, not some dollhosue sh*t. Candy is not a great name, also.

Also, my exaggerated tone above points my other suggestions, being a "harder" tone. If you're going for non-gamers, then this will be the pitch that makes the sale (be it money or merely attention). You definitely want to convince the person that not only are you, xiombarg, totally cool, but this game is wicked cooler and the new players will be cooler still for having played it.

I think that the transcript could be better still if you got rid of references to actual Unsung mechanics and gamer reactions (like adverse reaction to a bad roll), and focused on the abstracts - IC dialogue, IC monologue, describing the scene, rolling the die to see what happens - with as little jargon as possible, but showing that in the middle of the narrative, a player might do <some mechnic> in the middle to find out what happens.

Anyway, the writing is clear however, and I think it works.

[Ben Lehman]

I cannot get to website.  Any chance of posting the text?

yrs--
--Ben

[Steve Samson]

One thought: If your primary concern is whether the text will make sense to non-gamers, why ask a bunch of experienced gamers for feedback. Show it to a bunch of non-gamers and see what they think.

Not that our feedback won't be valuable, but it seems to make a whole lot more sense to me to use your target users for user testing. Just my two cents.

Steve

[Steve Samson]

One thought: If your primary concern is whether the text will make sense to non-gamers, why ask a bunch of experienced gamers for feedback. Show it to a bunch of non-gamers and see what they think.

Not that our feedback won't be valuable, but it seems to make a whole lot more sense to me to use your target users for user testing. Just my two cents.

Steve

[xiombarg]

I'll try to cover everything that's been said for. First, tho, I'll mention I've revised it in terms of some of the suggestions I've been getting. Check it out again.

http://xiombrag.tripod.com/unstart.pdf

Steve, your point came up on RPG.NET and I can only give you the same answer I gave there: Where would be a better place for me to get information? I can't just saunter into a totally unrelated BBS and ask for feedback. Seems rude to me. That said, I did post a request for feedback to my Livejournal, which is read by non-gamers.

As far as the first sentence not being hardcore enough, do you all have a suggestion for a better comparison?