Co-ordinating editing suggestions for Bliss Stage

[hix]

Hi Ben,

We played Bliss Stage for about an hour last night - got through a mission, a resolution action and an interlude action. Much fun was had, and many questions were asked.

I understand you've still got Rich Forest's feedback to incorporate into the text. And I'm acutely aware I don't want to overload you with suggested changes. There are some elements that I reckon need some clarification, but I'm not sure:

- where to post them
- if you need these 'problematic areas' pointed out
- how you want to co-ordinate everyone's suggestions.

Do you have any ideas on this stuff?

[Ben Lehman]

Hi Ben,

We played Bliss Stage for about an hour last night - got through a mission, a resolution action and an interlude action. Much fun was had, and many questions were asked.

I understand you've still got Rich Forest's feedback to incorporate into the text. And I'm acutely aware I don't want to overload you with suggested changes. There are some elements that I reckon need some clarification, but I'm not sure:

- where to post them
- if you need these 'problematic areas' pointed out
- how you want to co-ordinate everyone's suggestions.

Do you have any ideas on this stuff?

This thread would be a great place to post / coordinate.

yrs--
--Ben

[hix]

I finally got round to doing up some notes for this. Let me know if it's still useful, Ben, because I'm not sure when you're going to print with the Acceleration Stage.

Here are my notes on the first two sections of the book. The format is [page number], followed by notes on a new line. I've bolded stuff I think is important. As for the more detailed stuff, definitely let me know if it's been covered by Rich's pass.

INTRODUCTION

10.
A full-stop after your web site.
"... will be to share the authorship ..."

12.
"...  every other Thursday we play..."
"..., you should use the Final Act endgame scenario..." Using ' should' here feels a little too directive, compared to the casual tone you've been using so far.  You could use 'could' or 'can' instead.

14.
The link from Maria's first paragraph of dialogue to her second paragraph jarred me.  I expected that the new paragraph would indicate that a different person was talking.  You could move Maria's dialogue to the end.  If you wanted to keep her in the same place but make it more obvious she's continuing to speak, you could link the two paragraphs together, or change the first part of her dialogue.

15.
Replace "they'll" with "there'll" in the third and fourth sentences.
What did you mean by "..., have a little bit more..."?  'Have' doesn't quite seem to fit in this sentence.
"..., and then we'll give an extended example..."


BACKGROUND

18.
"But this part is not about the war. ... This part is about how the war came to pass."
I believe you need to put more information about how adults react to the Bliss (no hunger or thirst) into the second paragraph.  I'd take the information from the top of page 24, and put it here. And the reason I'd do this is because it was the first question my players asked - I think that makes it important enough to emphasise at least twice. I'd then start a new paragraph with, "Society, particularly industrialised society..."

20.
In the third paragraph, do you mean "... if I couldn't protect him"?

22.
I'd put a full-stop after "vital signs", and start a new sentence with, "She speaks to him..."

25.
Just a suggestion - in the +7 years section, you could have a final paragraph that simply reads " The war begins."

[hix]

THE FIRST ENGAGEMENT

32.
"... with the world that your story is in."

Ben, I really like this extended example from pages 35-38 of the group setting up the game.  It's a clear illustration of the group's creative process, and the group's different personalities come across strongly.

38.
"You don't have to answer all of the following questions..." I've suggested this change because currently the sentence implies you've already mentioned that these questions exist.

41.
The rules for distributing character ownership have one omission that seems odd to me.  Are players allowed to claim anchors that they have named after their unrequited crush?  Do you have a preference about this?

42.
This is the first page where you mention broken relationships.  Elsewhere in the text you refer to them in as "burnt out" or "destroyed".  I believe the text's readability would be improved if you referred to broken relationships the same way throughout.  For instance, you could consistently call them "broken relationships" or (on character sheets) "BROKEN".
After "..., add bliss as normal", move the full-stop to the end of the paragraph.

45.
Maria's explanation that they are going to cut this short is a little confusing.  Initially it sounds like she is still talking to the other players, and then we realise she's addressing the reader.  Not a biggie, but I thought I'd point it out.

48.
"Here it is the list of hopes.  You should pick from it..." I wondered if this would read better broken into two sentences.
Do you want to capitalise the "Bliss" at the bottom of the page?

51.
A lot of people have already mentioned they didn't know what their pilot's starting Bliss should be.  This would be a great page to mention it.

52.
"... who can help but (?) catch her infectious enthusiasm?"  I'm not sure how you want this sentence to read.

57.
Under 'Special Abilities', there's an illustration of a different way that broken relationships are referred to.  If you went with my example above, you could say 'break' instead of 'destroy'.

58.
Delete "account of" on the second line?

[hix]

Bliss Stage is a fun read, and working my way through it like this is really helping deepen my understanding of how to play it.

My notes on these next two sections are quite detail-oriented.  I'm about to hit the chapters on Actions,which is where I have more general comments (the stuff that inspired me to do this in the first place).


THE BASICS

62.
"Problems can arise when one player owns two characters, both of which whom are part of an action." I've tried separating this sentence into two parts.  I also replaced "which" with "whom".  Whether that's correct depends on whether you think a character is a thing or a person.  "Whom" could also be too formal for the tone you want (but you use "upon" at the top of the next page, so I think it's a 50/50 call).



VALUES

66.
"However, if the terror value ever is is ever higher..."

67.
"When bliss Bliss passes 108,..." Actually, I get the impression that sometimes you don't want to capitalise these words. Rather than point them out, I'll leave you to make the call on a case-by-case basis.
In the first paragraph, move the full-stop from after "the group" to the end of the first paragraph.
There's another instance of describing relationships as 'destroyed' on this page.  In Chris's dialogue at the bottom of the page, he then refers to it as 'broken'.

70.
The first paragraph also describes relationships as 'destroyed'.

71.
The first point in the Chapter Summary seems to merge two sentences.
Move the apostrophe in the second point, so it reads "Pilots' values".  Same with "Relationship" in the third point.  Alternatively, you could remove the  " 's "  from both words.  If you did that, the opening of Point 3 could be changed to read, "Relationship values measure the strengths of the a relationship as well as its present condition."
"Any character who is has been harmed and is then harmed a second time is killed."

[Neil the Wimp]

Not much when compared to hix's level of detail, but I noticed at least one place where you wrote 'rout' when you meant 'route.'  (As any speaker of the Queen's English knows, these two words don't rhyme, but 'route' and 'root' do. :-)

Neil.

[hix]

Good spotting, Neil! That happens on page 102.

This next lot of edits goes through to the end of the Mission Actions chapter.


ACTIONS

73.
" A campaign of Bliss Stage consists of a series..."

74.
Full-stops at the ends of the first two points.

In point 4, you could put "effects" all on the next line.

You may want to define what an engagement is, again.  It's been a long time since page 12.  Maybe you could include guidelines about how many actions could make up an engagement.


75.
"There are The two most common types of actions in a game of Bliss Stage are mission actions..."

I reckon the whole paragraph under "Types of Actions" could be more readable. Let me know if you want some ideas on that.

Full-stop at the end of the last paragraph.



THE FIRST ACTION

84.
"..., close the action by having the appropriate [] describe prepping the pilot..."



MISSION ACTIONS

89.
"... put into the a trance..."

90.
"... either by telling the anchor in his character's voice what he's going to try to do..." Maybe a bit of clarification that you're going to start using the 'in voice' concept would be good here.  Alternatively, you could just say, "... telling the anchor in voice...", and keep the terminology consistent with how you used it on page 63.

91.
There seems to be some overlap between the Authority Figure and the anchor when it comes to stating mission objectives.  Am I right in reading that the Authority Figure lays out all of the mission objectives in the briefing action, while the anchor specifies what Mission objective will be accomplished during this mission action?

You could remove the " - " from "who-ever".


92.
"Like this: "I'm getting..." Inserting a colon might be a good way of prefacing Phoebe's dialogue.

"..., the anchor may not is not allowed to describe the elements of the dreamworld at all..."


93.
"... wakes the pilot form from his dream."

The first paragraph might benefit from a concluding sentence that says (1) cancelling the mission finishes the current mission action, and (2) lists out what the possible next actions could be (and the conditions that would trigger them).

I feel like the example of play after the Reaching Climax section interrupts the flow of the rules.  One solution would be to rephrase the last sentence, "Move on to the next section." It could acknowledge that there is going to be an example that incorporates all of the rules we've learned so far, and then specifically identifies the next section you should read ("The Climax of a Mission Action, on page 96").


97.
What confused me about this page was that you present the special cases (of how many dice you have to use if the GM spends trauma) before you go into the standard case.  The standard case is that you put one die in each category.  However, that information is buried in the final paragraph.  It needs to be highlighted, perhaps being put in a separate paragraph at the bottom of page 96.


98.
"... the consequences of the mission action should be established and recorded (see below)."

Just before Chris's dialogue, you might want to say that unallocated dice get put into the Pilot's Bliss category.
I have a question about the sentence, "If there is more than one die, read only the lowest."  A pilot can only put one die in each category (unless trauma is being spent), right?  That certainly makes for some interesting decisions between how many relationships you use and how much excess Bliss you get. However, you could make this point more explicit - again, with a paragraph before Chris's dialogue.


99.
"The mission moves alone along."

100.
"Each relationship has it's its own category,..."

"..., and loosing losing one trust."


101.
You mention stress and terror checks in the first paragraph. These might be easier to pick up on (in the heat of a mission action) if they are either phrased as questions ("Do any relationships now have stress higher than trust?"), or separated into new paragraphs.

"If there were additional consequences to success or failure of a mission goal (see page 141),..." Although this repeats Maria's first line of dialogue, it also puts the page reference immediately after you first mention the concept.

Those ' = ' signs at the end of Chris's dice roll are supposed to be ' - ' signs.


102.
To be consistent with the punctuation the first part of Chris's first paragraph of dialogue, remove the full-stop from after "my other two relationships", and change the final sentence so it reads, "... with Megan and Jim)."

Do the same with the full-stops in Phoebe's paragraph of dialogue.

Maria's dialogue is where we have the 'route/rout' misspelling that Neil mentioned above.


103.
"..., the GM and other players say that what the pilot does..."

" If there's there are more mission goals..."

I think that right here, before the example dialogue begins, is a good place to also mention what conditions would lead to other types of actions.  For instance, if a pilot has passed 6 trauma or 108 bliss, go to a final action.  If the pilot successfully completed the mission, they can call for an interlude action.  If a relationship was broken during the mission, the players of the affected characters can call for a denouement (right?).  Indicating these options at this point will, again, make the book easier to consult in the middle of running the game.


104.
Those ' = ' signs at the end of Chris's dice roll are supposed to be ' - ' signs.

In Phoebe's first line of dialogue, delete the full-stop after, "in our relationship".


105.
"I think as your you're going in, the fins on your back..." I've also inserted a comma here.

"The little alien poeple people ..."


107.
'Obviate' is a great word.  If I understand it correctly, you could also say, "Hotshotting does not remove the need to complete the existing mission goals."

Do you want to phrase the "Broken Relationship" section more actively?  You could say something like, "If the pilot's relationship with his anchor breaks during a mission action, things become very bad indeed.  The anchor's life is now at risk!" Also, I assume that the card representing the relationship with the anchor is replaced by the new "Anchor's Safety" card.  Is this correct?


108.
Maybe you could put a little Bliss Stage symbol beside or instead of this page number? Or you could leave the page number off. Just a little easter-egg for the reader.

You mention fallout actions in the last paragraph.  I think these are the same as a trust-breaking followup action - if so, this is another instance where two difference terms are used to refer to the same concept.

At the end of this chapter, I'd love to see a flow chart that summarises how a mission action works, with particular attention paid to the various actions that could follow on from the end of a mission action. However, the chapter summary on page 109 could easily serve this purpose.


109.
In point 6, I think you mean "number of ways".
In point 7, "... and choose chooses which dice..."
In point 8, you could indicate the different possibilities for actions that follow a mission action.

[hix]

Due to lack of time, I'll just focus on the big-picture stuff from here on in.

INTERLUDE ACTIONS

If trust decreases during a mission action, do you have a trust-breaking action immediately afterwards?  If so, it would probably be good to mention this in the Mission Action chapter.

112.
You say the last player who went out on a mission has the privilege of calling for an interlude.  Immediately below (in Chris' dialogue), you say a player can call for an interlude if they complete a mission successfully.  Can you call for an interlude if you went out on a mission but failed?

117.
It's unclear who initiates the follow-up action after trust has been broken.  You clarify on page 122 that whoever controlled the character whose behaviour caused the break gets the privilege of calling for a follow-up action. I think it would be good to specify that on 117, where the concept is first explored.

118.
It'd be cool to have a play-aid that shows all the possible outcomes of interlude actions (and the intimacy chart). A single page that the Judge of the interlude action can refer to. 

119.
For extra clarity, you could say "Check to see if Stress is now higher than Trust (as a result of trust-breaking).  If it is, you must drop Trust by one..."

121.
This dialogue scene starts abruptly.  It doesn't naturally follow from the stuff on 115, because in the meantime there's been unrelated player dialogue and rules explanations.  Perhaps you could re-establish the scene a little more - ease us back into it.  Similarly, I'd like to know if Maria's next scene is the follow-up action, or a GM-initiated interlude.  From the rules on 122, I'm guessing it's the follow-up action but Phoebe isn't the one who initiates it.

124.
An example of how death or harm may cancel out the ordinary effects of the action would be good.  I guess you mean stuff like killing the character whose trust or intimacy you're trying to build.  Also, is this harm or death at the player's option - or does it happen automatically if violence enuses?

[Ben Lehman]

Thank you so much for this, by the way! I read in fascination.

[hix]

You're welcome, Ben - this has been fun! And all through these notes, I've just been trying to follow your philosophy - that the game should be playable after one read. As part of that, I want to make sure it's as easy to follow as possible when you're in the middle of a game.

Here's my last lot of notes.

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BRIEFING ACTIONS

128.
You could reproduce the information about what happens if no one accepts the mission as point (7) in the chapter summary, on page 133.

Again, do you get a privileged interlude action because you were a pilot on the last mission, or because you were successful on the last mission?  This is the first bulletpoint of Chris's dialogue.


129.
The paragraph beginning, "If any mission objective has a special relationship..." is pretty clear.  It might benefit from having a dialogue example here, of how you would apply the concepts.

131.
The sentence, " If a pilot shirks multiple missions..." could be a separate paragraph, for extra clarity.


MISSION PLANNING

I love this section of the book.  All the stuff about secret goals and related goals makes missions feel like video games or choose-your-own-adventure books.  They give you lots of options and branching pathways - it gives pilots weighty decisions to make in the middle of missions, and makes their outcomes unknown.  Very cool.

136.
Because you use the word 'goals' in a specific way at the bottom of this page, I'd alter the second paragraph to replace the phrase "mission goals" with "missions with themes".

139.
I'm having trouble visualising what happens when you use the 'last possibility' (two or more pilots cooperating).  You mean there's a single goal that two or more pilots need to succeed on at the same time, right?  The source of my confusion is probably the phrase, "For these mission goals,..." (and the fact that 'goals' is a plural).  You could change this so that it's more specific - for instance, " If a mission goal requires two or more pilots to succeed on it at the same time, things are a little more complicated."

To clarify, do you mean, "All pilots roll their dice and can place them into any category at all that's involved in completing this goal, even the relationships of other pilots"?

When you "read the results as normal", you mean read the lowest die if there's more than one die on a category (page 98), right?

"Every pilot who took at least one successful action in a multiple pilot mission..."?


142.
When you talk about a 'default starting relationship' for a new character, do you mean the "Everyone else" relationship at the bottom of each character template?

145.
It might be good to have an example of a really complicated mission here (and identify it as 'advanced').  I'm talking about a mission that's filled with related goals, goals for multiple pilots, secret goals, and branching pathways that are opened up if a specific goal is successfully completed.


FINAL AND RESOLUTION ACTIONS

150.
Resolution actions get a clearly titled section (on 153), whereas final actions don't. As a result, it's not totally clear that the 'Traumatic Death' and 'Bliss Out' sections are two different types of final action.  You could spell this out at the very top of this page (or in the first paragraph of 149).  Or you could change the headings so they read (for example) 'Traumatic Death Final Action'.

155. 
When you say the remaining pilot's player may call for the final resolution action, do you mean they can also call for other scenes - like interlude actions - before that, if they want?  It's not totally clear if the game should come to an immediate conclusion or not, and if not then what the structure is.

158.
The 'About resolving hopes' section might actually sit better on 150, just before the 'Traumatic Death' section.  That way, it primes the player to think about these issues before they make their choice on how to play out the scene.


SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES

This chapter is extremely clearly written.

163.
I was slightly confused about the sentence in the section on changing authority figures: "The character replacing the authority figure cannot be a pilot or an anchor and, if they previously were, cannot continue in that role."  The way this is phrased seems (at first glance) to contradict the bulletpoint at the top of 153, that pilots are the only ones who replace the authority figure.  Alternatively, if the player whose pilot has blissed out can nominate any one of their characters to replace the authority figure, then specify that on 153.

166.
For clarity, you could change the final paragraph to read, "..., replace "Pilot's Safety" table on page 99 with the table below." 


ADVICE FOR PLAY

A great section!


FINAL ACT

This scenario isn't going to appear in the Acceleration Stage, is it?  Oh well - I have some notes anyway.

198.
Under the 'Mission' heading, I'd suggest spelling out the goals for the first mission (prevent alien from reaching the base, and defeat enemy pilot), just as you have for the second and third missions.

203.
Broken relationships are referred to as 'BURNT OUT' on Anna's and Keenan's character sheets.


THE COVER FOR ACCELERATION STAGE

I love the current design for the cover.  If you wanted to keep it, the Acceleration Stage could have a blue (or black) background, with the triangle logo printed in white on it.

---

That's it. You've done great work with this game, Ben. It was a pleasure to read and comment on. I hope anyone with other editing suggestions feels free to share them, to make Acceleration Stage an even more kick-ass set of rules.

[hix]

Also, was there anything in particular you were fascinated by? I'm curious to know ...

[cdr]

142.
Under the "New Face" goal it mentions "This character has a default starting relationship with everyone, except the pilot that accomplished the mission goal in question."  So what relationship DO they get with the pilot that accomplished the mission?  None?  Something better than the default?

If they're a blood relation to someone, do they get +1 intimacy for that?  (Since the default relationships are 1/2; 1/3 for Rising Hero.)

(Also, "in question" could be cut without harming the meaning of the sentence.)