We Killed Us Some Puppies

[lumpley]

So okay, so it's me, Meg, Trav, Jay, Kev, and Jenn.  I'm the GM, everybody else kills puppies for Satan.  Meg is George Brady No Relation, who writes for Guns 'n' Ammo.  Trav is Morty, who works the night shift at Coffee Coolatta Cafe.  Jay is Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford, who likes to brain parakeets with a rock and then deflower them.  (Jay indeed used the word "deflower.")  Kev is "Viper," who wears Ratt t-shirts and is trying to grow a mustache and owns a Glock because, like, you can get it through a metal detector and shit.  And Jenn is Ima, whom zero people hate, other than me the GM, but my hate is ineffectual (as it turns out) and the running gag that Ima's a fuckin' mean evil bastard but everybody thinks she's just cute because she looks like an anime chick is a good one.  A good gag, in case my sentence there lost you.  (Try to keep up, it just gets worse from here.)

Cut to the big finale.  It's the night shift at Coffee Coolatta Cafe.  For reasons known only to himself, Morty's drugged the coffee, but everybody made their relentless rolls except 1) Paul, a vigilante who'd just hitchhiked back to town to discover that the pedophile priest at St. Cyril's, whose name I forget, but who was the focus of Paul's vengeful range, has been drunk dry by a vampire, so he went into the Coffee Coolatta Cafe to drown his sorrows, and concluded that the only thing for it was to become a vampire hunter and take out the vicious monster who robbed his life of purpose, and who is now snoring. 2)Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford, who got turned into a vampire by Abraham Lincoln in the drunk tank after he attacked "Viper" in the hospital, breaking free of the security guards again and again only to be beaten again and again by "Viper," despite "Viper" being in traction from when LeMarr, Ima's former pimp, beat the shit out of him with a baseball bat, and having only a bedpan with which to defend himself, which was humiliating and that's how he ended up in the drunk tank with Abraham Lincoln, but so being a vampire, Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford I mean, and having recently drunk dry not only the pedophile priest at St. Cyril's but also Cynthia, "Viper"'s, Morty's, and now his own ex-girlfriend, and also Ima's now ex-housemate, is not thirsty and didn't have any.  3) Bradley the assistant scout master, a hero, whose blind live-in brother's seeing eye dog "Viper" and George Brady No Relation had abducted in the middle of the night and blown up the ass of with firecrackers, and who knew "Viper" was responsible because his buddy on the force had mentioned the firecrackers in "Viper"'s pocket when he'd gone to the emergency room because LeMarr'd beaten the shit out of him with a baseball bat. 4) "Viper" himself, who started shooting as soon as he saw Ima and Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford and Bradley the assistant scout master in the cafe, because LeMarr had told him from the other end of the baseball bat that Ima was pissed and had sent him, and because of the seeing eye dog's ass's blow-uppage, and because this whole thing started when George Brady No Relation and "Viper" had perched on the roof across the street from the pet store, waited until a kid was bonding with the puppies through the window, and then shot the puppies with the rifles George Brady No Relation was reviewing for Guns 'n' Ammo, and come to find out it was Cynthia's gimpy-eyed nephew, Cynthia being "Viper"'s and Morty's ex-girlfriend, Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford's girlfriend, and Ima's housemate, Iike I said, and anyhow her nephew who was bonding with the puppies, and she went to her boyfriend Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford and asked him to go kick the shit out of "Viper," who she figured was responsible since he still hated her because she never put out, and he used to talk about guns all the time, and so Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford put on his GETTIN' SOME t-shirt and rode out to receive the first of three humiliating beatings at the hands of "Viper," this one administered with his own bicycle lock chain (the second with the toilet seat of the local comic shop, and the third with the aforementioned bedpan), and when he didn't come back, Cynthia asked Ima to have LeMarr try, and despite being a normal person with a Mean of mere 1, LeMarr was successful, but the point is that "Viper" took one look at who was sitting there and started shooting, and never even ordered any of the drugged coffee.

Naturally the bullets didn't faze Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford, who leapt on "Viper" with intent to drink dry, so "Viper" used some evil to tell Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford to take a long walk until dawn and stand in the sunlight, which he started to do, but by a couple of blocks later he'd made his Immortal roll or whatever and was going, huh, maybe I won't!  Meanwhile Ima had opened fire with her toxin-saturated-baby-rat gun, which George Brady No Relation had made for her, which is a long story, and Bradley the assistant scout master had jumped up with his big flashlight, so "Viper" ran out to his car, with everybody else chasing his Ratt-t-shirt-wearing ass.  What he planned to do, I don't really know, because Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford came booking back with some celerity, as it were, and hauled him out through his car window (actually it was his mom's car, and Ima had booby trapped it earlier with a hydrochloric acid impregnated rattlesnake seat belt trap, which his mom had set off, but that's another long story), and they were grappling and kicking, and "Viper" took a toxin-saturated baby rat to the forehead, and Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford took a wooden arrow but not to the heart (George Brady No Relation had a bow in the trunk of his car, and was using it) and an assistant scout master's big-ass flashlight to the back of the skull, but so what, he's a frickin' vampire, but finally some combination of Morty and George Brady No Relation, I'm not exactly clear which or who, decided that the solution was to use evil to explode Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford in billowing flames, which they did.  Sadly, he'd already opened "Viper"'s jugular and the explosion wouldn't've been too healthy for "Viper" anyhow, even if he hadn't been pretty much dead regardless.  Bradley the assistant scout master too.  

The end.

During end credits, we learn that "Viper" and Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford, both RIP, become good friends in Hell, running a successful (by Hell standards) courier service.  We learn that George Brady No Relation and Paul the vigilante take up vampire hunting full-time, and move out to Santa Carla.  And we learn that Ima and Morty hook up and have a long-term, fulfilling relationship, which lasts either 1) for 60+ years, and they die happy, still in love, and leave their cafe-related millions to their several children, or 2) until Ima fatally poisons Morty a week later.  Depends whose version you believe.

--

Fun game.  Within like a minute of starting, I'd thrown out all my prep.  The GETTIN' SOME conflict between Jay's character and Kev's drove the game; all I had to do was make the kid in front of the pet store be Cynthia's nephew.

As always, it's hard work to have two PCs go at it and yet both be protagonized.  It was pretty iffy at the final fight, but Jay and Kev jumped right into the postscript during end credits about them becoming friends in Hell, and it worked out just fine.

Kev said that it was funny, they'd think up these great twisted things to do to get evil, but then on their way, something would interfere, like Jay's character throwing rocks at his from the top of St. Cyril's belltower or whatever, and every outing wound up being more expensive evil-wise than staying home.

I poked, prodded, scolded and cajoled Trav, but Morty never did anything, just sat on his evil and waited for something to come to him.  That's life, I guess.

My friends are a bit fucked up.  Ever get that feeling?  Jay's character was waiting in the church belltower (I left that part out of my retelling, I notice, but that's okay) and Jenn asked him if pigeons would do, or if it had to be parakeets.  (He deflowers them, remember?)  "Nah, different texture," Jay said.  Straight-faced, no flinch, nothing.  Brr.

-Vincent

[jrients]

Super sweet, man!  I am so rounding up some hooligans at the next con and running kpfs.

[Ron Edwards]

Hi there,

The words "assistant scout master" and the game kill puppies for satan should never be used in the same post in my presence again. That is just horrible.

And yes, I need to play this game too. I've been wanting to do so for a really long time now.

Best,
Ron

[Marco]

Hi there,

The words "assistant scout master" and the game kill puppies for satan should never be used in the same post in my presence again. That is just horrible.

Best,
Ron

I'm going to second that. Sounds AWESOME.

-Marco

[clehrich]

Can I just say, for the record, that I bought this game for one reason and one reason alone --- the rambling email from the middle-school girls about "why can't they kill Barbies which everyone hates?"  My personal favorite remark is, "The core democratic values state 'life- you can not end the live of anyone if u do the goverment has the rite to end yours'."  I about shit myself laughing, and just had to buy it.

I'm so glad to hear that it's actually that funny in real life.  Or, er, whatever....

I do disagree strongly with one thing, though.  "Boy Scout Master" and "kill puppies for satan" should often be used in the same sentence.

Word.

[contracycle]

This was tough to read, as I kept corpseing at the line:

and so Bicycle Messenger James O. Ford put on his GETTIN' SOME t-shirt and rode out to receive the first of three humiliating beatings at the hands of "Viper,"

[jrients]

And yes, I need to play this game too.

Hey man, if you (or anyone else for that matter) wants to come down to Champaign, Illinois, we have a little con down here called Winter War that runs Feb 7,8,9 this year.  Its mostly miniatures and boardgames, but a few of us try to keep the RPG section alive.  I'll be running 3 indy games (Bad Attitudes, Wuthering Heights, and QAGS) over the course of the weekend.  I'm also hoping to run an unsanctioned kpfs game, if I can find enough of the wrong sort of people.  ;)

For more info on the con, check out http://winterwar.prairienet.org.

[szilard]

Hey man, if you (or anyone else for that matter) wants to come down to Champaign, Illinois, we have a little con down here called Winter War that runs Feb 7,8,9 this year.

Why didn't I know about this?

Stuart

[jrients]

Hey man, if you (or anyone else for that matter) wants to come down to Champaign, Illinois, we have a little con down here called Winter War that runs Feb 7,8,9 this year.

Why didn't I know about this?

Not knowing you from Adam, I'd guess you're a student at the U.  We haven't had any publicity on campus since the mid nineties, when I stopped running our campus publicity.  Posting a few hundred flyers all over campus is a tremendous pain in the ass when you no longer live there.

Lumpley: Sorry about hijacking your thread.

[lumpley]

'Sokay.

But, this "corpseing," it's a good thing?

-Vincent

[szilard]

Not knowing you from Adam, I'd guess you're a student at the U.  We haven't had any publicity on campus since the mid nineties, when I stopped running our campus publicity.  Posting a few hundred flyers all over campus is a tremendous pain in the ass when you no longer live there.

You'd guess wrong, but that's understandable.

This is way off-topic.

Stuart

[jrients]

Not knowing you from Adam, I'd guess you're a student at the U.

You'd guess wrong, but that's understandable.

Then I dunno.  Winter War has run annually for 30 years now.  Its been in February at the Chancellor Hotel for a decade or so.  Flyers are posted at all the cooperative FLGS's.  The Central Illinois Tabletop Warriors participate, if that's your kind of thing.  Winter War was once one of the proving grounds for Traveller material, if that's more your bag.  Notices appear in the usual publications.  There's a web site.  We've had local press coverage at least twice.  God help us, we've even run official RPGA events.

In short, the staff tries not to run a stealth operation.

This is way off-topic.

Yep.

[jrients]

But, this "corpseing," it's a good thing?

I believe that's a showbiz term.  IIRC it refers to an actor who blows his line, laughs, or stares because he's so damn amused by the antics of a fellow performer.

[contracycle]

Yes, as in "I died out there".

[lumpley]

Well that's good, then.

Credit to the fine miscreants at the blueplasticbase Yahoo group for the idea of Abe Lincoln the vampire.  

I didn't mention and should've that all the NPCs, Paul the vigilante, Bradley the assistant scout master, Cynthia the variously girlfriend, ex, and housemate, the pedophile priest at St. Cyril's, "Viper"'s mom, the players made up.  Most of them were people who hated them, but not all.  If any y'all happen to play the game, having the players make up some NPCs is fun.

-Vincent