[Mountain Witch] Back cover text

[timfire]

What does everyone think of this text for the back cover of The Mountain Witch? I've had a hard time distilling the general premise of the game down to a managable size, and coming up with good tagline for the game. Anyway, this is what I've (finally) come up with:

A group of ronin samurai are hired for a simple yet difficult task - to assault and kill O-Yanma, the Mountain Witch of Mount Fuji. But regretful pasts and dark fate conspire against the mission, testing both the courage of the company and the loyalty of the samurai.

When everyone has an agenda, who can you trust?[/list:u]The Mountain Witch mixes elements from Japanese mythology, horror, and gangster heist dramas in a blood opera of trust, betrayal, and confronting one's fate.

(I have to thank Clinton for "When everyone has an agenda..." bit.)

Is it concise enough, and does it seem to cover the entire premise?

I asked a non-RPG friend of mine what they thought, and he said he didn't like the sound of "blood opera", though he understood why I said that after I explained what it meant. Do y'all think it might be too jargon-y of a word to include on the back cover?

[jdagna]

The Mountain Witch is a whole game system, isn't it?  

This description sounds like it's a campaign with a few extra rules and leaves me wondering what system it's meant for.  I'm assuming the italic text is meant to be a sample kind of adventure, and you should indicate that specifically in your text.  Say something like "You can have this adventure and many others using this system, limited only by your imagination" to make sure gamers know it's got everything they need.

[Keith Senkowski]

Hey Tim,

Blood opera does sound a bit awkward to me and my wife.  Be both think it seems almost out of place with the rest of the description.  This is based more on how it reads than content.  The rest is good though.

Keith

[Paul Czege]

Tighter?:

A group of ronin samurai confront weather and supernatural horrors on a mission to kill O-Yanma, the Mountain Witch of Mount Fuji. But regretful pasts and dark fate conspire against them, testing both courage and loyalty.

When agendas edge out pure motive, who will you trust?[/list:u]Paul

[timfire]

The Mountain Witch is a whole game system, isn't it?

The Mountain Witch is simliar to MLwM in that it revolves around a single situation - ronin samurai are hired to kill the Mountain Witch of Mt. Fuji, but character "Fates" complicate the mission. But at that point the adventure is open to the interpretation of the players.

Hmm, I had thought about saying "The Mountain Witch is a self-contained RPG adventure that mixes elements of Japanese mythology...(etc.)" or something like that. Maybe I need something like that to avoid confusion.

Blood opera does sound a bit awkward to me and my wife.

Hmm, I guess can revert back to "...a tale of trust, betrayal...(etc.)".

Paul: I'll think about that for a little bit. Do y'all think it would do me good to condense the description a little more?

[Brennan Taylor]

I say more drama, and at least a little call to action.

Here's my revision (take or leave what you like, of course):

Join a group of ronin samurai, hired for a simple yet terrifying task -- assault and kill O-Yanma, the dreaded Mountain Witch of Fuji. Hidden pasts, dark secrets, and bloody fate conspire against the mission, testing the limits of both courage and loyalty.

When every heart holds betrayal, who can you trust?

The Mountain Witch is a self-contained role-playing adventure that mixes elements from Japanese mythology, horror, and gangster heist dramas in a stark tale of trust, betrayal, and confronting one's fate in feudal Japan.

[Eero Tuovinen]

[Inthisstyle has the right idea in his crosspost. Better language makes for better back covers. Note how he switches 'heart' for 'agenda'.]

Agenda is a bad word to use on a back cover, too jargony. In general, I find that this text lacks... zest. It's pretty secondary compared to the importance of transmitting
a) color
b) system
c) rave reviews
You should tell about either the poetic images associated with the game, or the innovative rules, or how your best pal Gary Gygax loves the game. Telling that it's about samurais and witches is pretty dull compared to those topics.

I'll give three alternative examples, each focusing on one of the above priorities:

Color:

The wind sweeps down Mount Fuji like the wrath of Amatsu-Kami, but it's no kami behind it... the blizzards and ice, they come from O-Yanma the Mountain Witch. Breath condenses on your blade as you look for hints in the eyes of Katsuhiro. He said the villagers hired him, but how can you tell?

Will the Witch get you first, or will your friends?

The Mountain Witch is a celebrated samurai drama with innovative RPG mechanics. Players take the roles of swordsmen against the darkness, but remember: nobody can truly know the heart of another...

System:

Samurai, love, betrayal and dark magic... Who is the cat's paw of the witch O-Yanma!?!

The Mountain Witch is a ready-to-play scenario for 3-6 cats ready to dwelve into Japanese myth and legend. The game lasts some two or three play sessions paced by the rules, making for a perfect mini-campaign. The issue at stake is the trust between the samurai, who have to brave the dangers of Mount Fuji to find the witch O-Yanma. When are you willing to betray your comrades?

The innovative mechanics make for a game with infinite replayability, like a board game. O-Yanma is cunning, and can well be killed again and again!

Rave reviews:

The game concentrates an enormous amount of drama into just a couple of hours!
- George Lucas, the director of Mountain Witch: the motion picture

The Mountain Witch finished without placing in the Iron Game Chef 2004 game design competition, but started to garner fans and supporters right afterwards, all of who clamored for a commercial take on the game. The tight design brings the samurai and dark magics to life in a way never before seen.

The players take roles as brave samurais against O-Yanma the Mountain Witch, pitting their honor against his foul magics. But each warrior has his own motives, and soon the distrust bursts forth, periling the already dangerous mission to the Mountain Witch's lair... Who do you trust when you can't see their soul?

Truly a great example of hybrid design!
- Ron Edwards & Mike Holmes, both at once and over each other

The best back cover is probably some combination of these three priorities. The above are of course not that good, as I'm not you and therefore don't know whit about the game to write.

Do y'all think it would do me good to condense the description a little more?

No, to the contrary, by adding structure you can easily make it even longer. You should only condense when you have the poetic words that punch your message through. These aren't them. In that situation it's better to add heft by adding words than try to remove them.

Actually, it'd be pretty cool to write a tanka as a back cover text. It could be the color department, accompanied by a short system description and a couple of references to how others think the game great as well.

But in general, don't fear back cover text. You can put in snippets of all kinds of text as long as it's organized in the order of importance by font size, color and placement. The important thing is to make sure that the first thing the buyer reads is concise, the other stuff is pretty free of form.

[Rorimack]

"Ronin samurai" is too much (at least for me).

Either ronin , or something like "masterless samurai" would be enough.

[Paul Czege]

When every heart holds betrayal, who can you trust?

I agree, this is beautiful.

Paul

[daMoose_Neo]

"Ronin samurai" is too much (at least for me).

Either ronin , or something like "masterless samurai" would be enough.

That struck me as odd too. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't ronin mean "masterless samurai"?
Twould be like saying "Knots per hour" when in boating terms "knots" means "nautical miles per hour". Thus we're saying "nautical miles per hour per hour" (or "masterless samurai samurai" as the case may be).

[timfire]

Hey everyone, thanks, there are some great suggestions in this thread!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't ronin mean "masterless samurai"? Twould be like saying "Knots per hour" when in boating terms "knots" means "nautical miles per hour". Thus we're saying "nautical miles per hour per hour" (or "masterless samurai samurai" as the case may be).

You know, I'm not sure about this. True, normal usage refers to ronin as simply "ronin" (lit. "wave man", btw). But I had the understanding that the term 'samurai' referred to social class, while the term 'ronin' was more of a specific title. So it wouldn't be exactly the same as saying "knots per hour". I'll ask/look around and see what I can find...

I was hoping that saying "ronin samurai" would appeal to both the anime/samurai fan who would already understand the term "ronin" as well as the causal gamer who may not know the term off the tops of their head.
----------------

Brennan T., that's a pretty good suggestion! However, I'm not so keen on the the "Join a group..." aspect. I would kinda like to keep it more third -person. I think it reads more like the promo of a story, which I think would appeal more to players looking for "story" (my target audience) rather than those looking for an immersive experience.

What do y'all think about saying "When every heart holds reason for betrayal, who can you trust?" Or does that not seem to flow as nicely as "When every heart holds betrayal..."?

[Eero Tuovinen]

I was hoping that saying "ronin samurai" would appeal to both the anime/samurai fan who would already understand the term "ronin" as well as the casual gamer who may not know the term off the tops of their head.

I'd say that "ronin" is already known enough that you can leave it at that. Overexplaining has never benefited anyone, and the reader doesn't need to know all references in a mood piece. To the contrary, exotism works for you in this case. You aren't explaining that Mount Fuji is in Japan, so why bother with explaining ronin?

And as I said, everyone really knows the word. If not from a Japanese context, then from Cyberpunk or such. At least in my marketplace.

What do y'all think about saying "When every heart holds reason for betrayal, who can you trust?" Or does that not seem to flow as nicely as "When every heart holds betrayal..."?

Consistency is a bane of small minds. Never sacrifice poetic punch for precision, the latter is never that important in an introductory piece. Your reader will learn from the game itself that not everybody need betray others, if he really needs to be told that.

[Brennan Taylor]

I was hoping that saying "ronin samurai" would appeal to both the anime/samurai fan who would already understand the term "ronin" as well as the causal gamer who may not know the term off the tops of their head.

That's why I kept it in. Sure,  we're all Japan geeks, but that doesn't mean everyone is. I can see the case for accuracy, too, but maybe switching it to "masterless samurai" and dropping ronin altogether might be the way to go.

Brennan T., that's a pretty good suggestion! However, I'm not so keen on the the "Join a group..." aspect. I would kinda like to keep it more third -person. I think it reads more like the promo of a story, which I think would appeal more to players looking for "story" (my target audience) rather than those looking for an immersive experience.

Thanks! I just always like some kind of call to action: don't just set up the story, try to draw the reader in. My preference, in this case. Maybe rewording will help.

Eero's color piece was really good, too.

What do y'all think about saying "When every heart holds reason for betrayal, who can you trust?" Or does that not seem to flow as nicely as "When every heart holds betrayal..."?

I would opt for the more succinct, yet less accurate sentence in this case. It scans much better.

[GregS]

What about "...group of ronin, renegade masterless samurai, are..."?

I would also really encourage you to add a bit to the back cover text to further define the game.  And, yes, I fully appreciate that all artists (myself included) hate defining their work, but some bullet points highlighting product features would definately go a long way to peaking additional interest.

[Andrew Morris]

On my initial read, I found "ronin samurai" and "blood opera" to be awkward. I definitely think they should be reworded.

The innovative mechanics make for a game with infinite replayability, like a board game. O-Yanma is cunning, and can well be killed again and again!

I think you need to hit people over the head with this -- it's even more important than working out different terms for ronin samurai and blood opera. Folks who've never played or heard of something like this will be pretty confused if you don't. "Wait...is it a game? Or an adventure? Whadda ya mean it's both? I don't get it."