So then the clam says "Your shell or mine?"

[Bill Cook]

A young man goes to the doctor.
- "What seems to be the problem?" He sheepishly drops his pants to reveal a bright, orange dick.
- "This looks very serious! How long has it been this way?"
- "Ever since I won the state lottery."
- "You won the lottery? Well, congratulations. What did you do with the money?"
- "I quit my job. Now I sit around all day, watching pornos and eating Cheetos."

** ** **

The following story reveals the origin of the phrase, "you've gotta be shitting me."

George Washington travels on a boat with 23 other men, through the fog, across the icy waters of the Potomac.
- "Peters!"
- "Sir!"
- "Man the prow and report our position." Peters leans out over the water and loses his footing. Down he goes, drowned in the depths.

The boat reaches the shore. The men collect their gear and march into the woods. Ahead, they see a red light and a lady of the evening on the balcony of a lodge.
- "Madame, my men and I require food and lodging for the night."
- "My girls should be able to handle them. How many, altogether?"
- "Let's see .. without Peters, it's 23."
- "You've gotta be shitting me."

[Betsi-G]

What do vegetarian zombies say?

GRRRRAAAAAAINS!

Ah, this reminds me of something I heard from my brother. It may, in fact, have originally been a quote from a rpg he was playing with his friends.

A necromancer is rallying his troops, and he yells out to them, "Whaddo we want?"

The throng replies with a resounding chorus of "BRAAAAAAAIIINS!!!!"

And then "When do we want 'em?"

"BRAAAAAAAIIINNS!!!!"

---

Zombies; enthusiastic, yes. Good vocabulary, no.

[Ben Lehman]

"What do we want?"

"GRADUAL CHANGE!"

"When do we want it?"

"IN DUE COURSE!"