So then the clam says "Your shell or mine?"

[Brian Leybourne]

It's Forge Birthday, I can say anything I want :-)

If you know a good corny joke, add it on in...

--
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
--
A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
--
Why was the mermaid wearing sea shells?
Because the "b" shells were too small.
--
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
--
A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a................ whiskey, please" The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?" The bear replies "I don't know, I've always had big paws".
--
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only a pair of bubble-wrap shorts. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
--
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street when they crash into each other. They pick themselves up and one says "Are you ok?" "No," says the other, "I think I've lost an electron". "Are you sure?" asks the first. The other replies, "Yes, I'm positive".
--
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
--

I'm here all week. Try the veal.
Brian.

[Michael S. Miller]

Nothin' in the world better than bad jokes!

-------

Two guys walk into a bar. The second one says to the first, "Don't feel bad, I didn't see it either."

-------

And my stab at the worst pun of all time (not as timely as it once was):

What do you call the former Vice President of the United States playing the drums?

An algorithm.

[taalyn]

What do you call a homosexual from Wisconsin?

Dairy Queen

[talysman]

this joke has taken over ARK and mutated into a billion in-jokes:

a pirate walks into a bar. he has a small pilot's wheel (steering wheel) protruding from the fly of his pants.

the bartender asks, "why do you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

the pirate replies, "ARRRR! it's drivin' me nuts!"

[ rimshot ]

a lawyer friend of mine, when she was studying for the bar, asked me to tell her a lawyer joke. I didn't know any, so I told that joke but substituted "lawyer" for "pirate". that may have been the only time she ever laughed at my jokes.

[Trevis Martin]

Did you hear the one about the guy who kept having dreams about being a lobster?

His wife left him.  She said he was shellfish in bed.

--
Trevis

[ethan_greer]

A-ha.  Bad jokes are an area in which I can truly shine.

============

Q. What happens when a cow backs into a 747?
A. Udder distruction.

============

Did you hear about the girl who ate four pounds of uranium?  She got atomic ache.

============

Q. What does a dog say when you rub him with sandpaper?
A. "Rough!"

============

Q. How many thumbs do you need to screw in a light bulb?
A. One.

============

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?  It's rated arrr!

============

Q. What do you tell someone who is upset at the delay of a delivery of german sausage?
A. The wurst is yet to come.

============

Q. What's the definition of debate?
A. What you use to catch de fish.

============

A guy walks into the doctor's office with a frog on his head.  The doctor says, "what seems to be the problem?"  The frog replies, "Doc, can you please remove this wart from my ass?"

============

And, for the finale:

A frog hops into the bank.  Patricia Wack, the next available teller, calls him up to the window and asks what he needs.

"I want to borrow five thousand dollars," replies the frog.

"And your name, um, sir?"

"Kermit Jagger."

"Uh, okay.  Do you have any collateral?"

The frog produces a small ceramic elephant from his pocket and hands it to Patricia.  Completely flummoxed at this point, Patricia excuses herself and goes into the bank manager's office with the elephant.

"There's a frog out there who wants to borrow five grand, and he gave me this elephant for collateral.  What the heck is this thing?"

The bank manager calmly replies, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack.  Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Walt Freitag]

I'm sure you've all heard about the optician who fell into his lens-grinding machine. After all, he made quite a spectacle of himself.

- Walt

[Matt Wilson]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the counter.

The horse says, "surprised to see me here?"

The guy says, "yeah, did the cow sell the place?"

(this joke was actually told by Fozzie Bear on a Muppet Show record I had as a kid)

-----

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

Lean beef.

-----

All the others I know are best told in person, with the security cameras turned off.

[Garbanzo]

...but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

er, I don't get it.


========

What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in!

=========

What do you say to a hitchiker with no legs?
Need a lift?

=========

What's green and fluffy and comes from outer space?
A martian-mallow.

=========

Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

=========

**BLUE JOKE ALERT**

Man's trying to sell a horse.
His friend says, "Hey, I know a guy who's looking to buy a horse.  I'll send him over."

Man says, "Sure, sounds great.  I'll give him a good deal.  ..But how will I recognize him"
Friend: "Oh, you can't miss him.  He's a midget with a speech impediment!"

Next day, man gets a knock at the door.  He looks out the peephole, but he can't see a thing.  Opens the door and, of course, there at his feet is a midget.  Midget says, "Excuthe me, thir.  Are you the man with a horth for thale?"

They go 'round back to the stable.  The midget is walking around, making appreciative noises, but then he says, "Excuthe me, thir.  I know thith may be a little awkward, but could you help me thee the horthes' teeth?"  
Man is taken aback a little, but he obligingly bends down, grabs the midget around the waist, and lifts him.  

Once the midget is back on the ground, the midget speaks up again: "I'm really thorry, thir, but I'd like to get a better look at the horthes' coat."
The man not too pleased about this.  He's feeling uncomfortable about the whloe thing, but sure enough, he bends down, picks up the midget again and walks him around the horse.

The midget's back on the ground, and - don't you know it - he has more requests.  "Excuthe me thir..."  
At this point the man is thinking, "I've had it.  This is all a bit much."
"...Excuthe me, thir, I'm thorry.  Thith might be a little much to ask but, I'd like to thee the horthes' twat."

The man has Had Enough.  He grabs the midget by the collar and the seat of his pants, walks to the back or the horse, and shoves the poor midget in headfirst, to give him a good view!

As the midget slowly extricates himself and drops to the ground, covered in mucous, the midget says, "Um, perhapth I thould rephrathe.  
Could I thee the horth run around a little?"

=======

-Matt

[Enoch]

I know a bunch of dead baby jokes, but I don't think anyone wants to hear them.  At this very moment I'm trying not to recall them so I don't have to go through the trauma.

The trauma!

-Joshua

[lumpley]

The pope goes into a bar, sits down at a table, right, orders his water.  The seven dwarfs are at the next table over...

Hold on.  Anybody doesn't want to read this joke? Now's the time.

Right so the seven dwarfs. One of 'em, Sneezy, comes over to the pope.  Achoo!  "Excuse me, mr. pope sir? Me achoo! and my friends have a question."

"What can I help you with, Sneezy?"

"Well, we were achoo! just wondering. Are there any midget achoo! nuns in the Vatican?"

"Midget nuns?" says the pope.  "I don't believe that there are."

Sneezy goes back and reports to the other dwarfs.  They grin and chuckle, except Grumpy, who looks grumpy.

After a bit, Doc comes over to the pope and does that thing with his glasses.  "Excuse me, mr. pope sir?  May we ask you another question?"

"Of course, Doc."

"Are there by any chance any midget nuns in Europe?"

"Well," says the pope, "I'd be hard pressed to think of a one. No, no, I don't think there are any midget nuns in Europe."

Doc goes back.  Apparently the dwarf think this is pretty funny.  They laugh and pound each other on the back, except grumpy, who shoots dark looks around and mutters.

After some prodding from the others Bashful comes over.  "Um," he says. "Um, mr. pope, sir? Um?"

"It's alright, Bashful," says the pope. "Go ahead."

"Um, mr. pope sir, are there um any um midget nuns anywhere? In the world?"

"Bashful, I'm the most widely travelled pope in the history of popedom, and I can say with some certainty that no, there are no midget nuns anywhere in the world."

Now this is like the funniest thing the dwarfs have ever heard.  They hoot and spill their beer and fall out their chairs.  All except Grumpy, who throws up his hands and storms out.

"Now Bashful," says the pope, "what's this about?"

"We think Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

[Ben Morgan]

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

==================

A grasshopper walks into a bar. He pulls up a stool, gets the bartender's attention, and orders a beer.

The bartender look at him and says, "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper looks genuinely surprised. "Really? You got a drink named Steve?"

-- Ben

[Ian Charvill]

Wow, I can remember hearing Bob Hope tell the grasshopper joke on a chatshow from the seventies.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A sit.

[Anonymous]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

Another dirty one:

How did one elephant find the other elephant in the tall grass?

Delightful!

This one's my six-year-old's favorite, but not his grandparents':

What did the little fish say when it swam into a cement wall?

Dam!

-Vincent

[ethan_greer]

Heard this one on Friday.

Q: What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

A: Half a dog!